


Broken and Bloody

by phoenixreal



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Bondage, Cannon Divergent, Gang Rape, Gender Issues, Graphic Violence, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Moving On, Non-Consensual, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape Trauma Syndrome, Romance, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Sexual Identity, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-01-07 12:53:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1120045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixreal/pseuds/phoenixreal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A broken Ichigo returns from a violent and soul crushing assault in Heuco Mundo. Desperate and unwilling to live, he retreats to his inner world, leaving his hollow in control.  He's forced back to control, and finds out to his horror that there is more to things than seemed, and Aizen has a plan to get White back under his control.  Will Shuuhei be able to put the pieces back in place of the shattered substitute shinigami?</p><p>ShuuXIchi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Losing Battle

* * *

 

“Damn, where are they all coming from?” Ichigo exclaimed, slicing through another attacking hollow.

Rukia snorted, swirling Sode no Shirayuki and sending ice after a bunch of them that were coming in from her side.  Around them, they heard the pitched battles.  There was a rain of Quincy arrows here, the roar of Zabimaru in the distance.  Chad’s crashing hits smashed into hollows all around them.  The sounds of a massive battle thrummed around them heatedly. They had only been in Hueco Mundo for a short time together and the battle raged already.  The Menos Forest hadn’t even been this bad.  This was just wave after wave of bloody hollows.  It was almost as though somehow every single hollow in the place was homing in on the small group of Shinigami.

Ichigo looked up, slicing through a nasty snake-like hollow and glanced at Rukia.  “They’re getting farther away from us,” he said, trying to flash the direction the sounds of battle were coming from only to be stopped by a huge lumbering hulk of a hollow and a deer like creature.

Rukia was panting now.  “Are they drawing them away for some reason?  Into a trap?”

“Getsuga Tenshou!” Ichigo yelled, slicing a swath through the seemingly endless hollows.  Well, it wasn’t really a surprise; it was Heuco Mundo after all.  But damn, how many could come at them at one time?

“Bastards,” Ichigo muttered.  “Who is being drawn into a trap, though?” he said looking at Rukia.

She shook he head.  “I don’t know, but we better head to them if we can, either way!  Them or us, someone’s in trouble if we get separated from each other out here.  There’s no way we can keep up this pace of fighting, we’ll exhaust ourselves in no time at this rate.”

They continued fighting, but the sounds of their friends’ battling became more distance, and they were even harder pressed. Another wave and Ichigo was panting with the effort, his reiatsu fluctuating from sheer exhaustion. This was getting ridiculous. Finally, it seemed that there was no end when a burst of sonido put two Arrancar familiar to Ichigo in front of them.  All the lesser hollows ran, fleeing the massive reiatsu of the new arrivals.  Ichigo stepped back, eyeing the pale, short Arrancar he’d seen in Karakura town and the one named Grimmjow that he and Rukia had fought.

“So, we meet again, Shinigami?” Grimmjow said, and leaped at the exhausted substitute.  Ichigo lacked the energy to even come up with a comment to that.

Rukia went to help him but found herself restrained against the green eyed one.  She looked back at him and struggled as he wrenched her wrist into dropping her snow-white sword to the ground.  His grip was like iron.  But he wasn’t doing anything, merely holding her and crushing her with his reiatsu to keep her in place.  He stared at the fight impassively as though he had no interest in the turn out.

She turned back to the fight, and found that Ichigo was pressing him rapidly, until the Espada grinned and pulled his sword in front of him, placing a hand on it.  “Grind, Pantera,” he said with a smirk and transformed into his resurrección, leaping again, with a grace and speed he hadn’t had before.  It seemed like forever, but at the speed that Ichigo moved in Bankai and this Espada, she knew it was only a few minutes before a sound hit sent Ichigo nearly slamming into her.  He tried to stand up, great stripes of claw marks down the front of his shihakuso, and blood dripping from a gash in his head.  He struggled to stand and then was knocked flat from behind, Zangetsu flying from his fingers at the impact.

“Dammit!” he yelled scrambling to his feet only to have Grimmjow kneel before him, putting Zangetsu to his throat.  Somehow, he’d managed to grab his own sword.

“Hrm, what have we here, a helpless Shinigami.  Aizen seems to think yer gonna be bad for him so I’ve got my orders.  Can’t disobey the prick, because last time I lost an arm.  So, I guess I’ll get this over with, though can’t say I won’t enjoy it,” he said then kicked Ichigo square in the chin, flipping him to his back from the force.

Ichigo made to stand up, only to have him slam a heel into his chest, holding Zangetsu up above him, dangling it for a moment then and slammed Zangetsu through his right shoulder, pinning him to the ground. He vaguely was glad it was in Bankai, but it still hurt like hell.  He felt it rip right through bone, muscle and tendons.

Ichigo yelled out as his free hand went to frantically try and drag his sword out, but he’d buried it to the hilt, making removing it a challenge pinned to the ground.  Tears sprung to his eyes and his right hand fluttered on the ground, utterly useless as half the nerves were severed.  It would be a damn miracle if fourth could repair it, he thought, groaning and turning toward his friend.  Rukia struggled against the one that held her.  He was pretty sure only Inoue could deal with this.

“Bastard!” he screamed, “What is it with you and using swords to pin me to the ground!  Are you that afraid of a fair fight!”  His memory flashed to having both hands pinned with his sword in their last battle.  That had hurt, but this hurt more.  A damn sight more.  And he could feel the nasty sand from Heuco Mundo creeping into the back of the wound.

“Ichigo!” she called as Grimmjow sauntered up to where she was held in a painful grip. 

He smiled and picked up her white Zanpakutō where it had landed, and looked at the green eyed Espada.  “Ulquiorra, bring her over here, she gets to watch.”

“Watch what, as you kill him with my sword?” she cried out frantically being pushed along until she was standing over Ichigo who lay panting in a growing pit of darkening sands. Her toes were almost touching his hair as he dropped his head back panting. He looked up, opening one brown eye, the other closed from the blood that was still streaming from his forehead and smiled, though it was quite grisly since his mouth was bloody. 

“I’m okay, I’ll be fine…” he said locking eyes with her.  “Just don’t worry…you know me…I’m hard…to kill…  If Byakuya and Kenpachi…couldn’t kill me…now way will this…bastard…”

Grimmjow growled at them, positioning himself kneeling over Ichigo this time.  He grinned and pressed the tip of Rukia’s sword at his left shoulder.  Ichigo gave him a scowl as he started to slowly press the sword into him.  He jerked as the sword began to slide through his flesh and muscle and winced as it scraped against the bone, sending shocks of incredible pain through him, forcing a keening sound out of his throat.  Then he slammed it the rest of the way through the shoulder down to the cross guard.  He jerked upward then and let out a strangled sound, blinking away the water in his eyes at the pain. Grimmjow continued to kneel over him, still in resurrección, putting a knee in his stomach and leaning into him. 

“Ain’t ya pretty, all pinned out just like one a’Szayel’s bugs.  Be a shame if someone took advantage of the situation, wouldn’t it?  Just as helpless as a lil’ kitten…” he practically purred and sliced claws down his front, shredding what remained of his kusodo and causing a trail of blood to blossom down his chest and abdomen.  Ichigo didn’t really notice, the incredible burning in his shoulders eclipsed the pain of anything like claws.

Ichigo tilted his head down and yelled, “The hell are you doing Grimmjow, kill me already and get it over with!”  He didn’t want to die, but this was getting to Rukia, he could feel her feet at the top of his head and felt her flinch.

Grimmjow moved down and straddled Ichigo’s hips, and grinned.  “Good, good, the fire is still there.  I’m going to extinguish it for ya.  Yer not supposed to die, yer supposed to break.  And Aizen said I got to be the lucky one to break you.”

Ichigo’s eyes widened as it suddenly dawned on him what Grimmjow was talking about.  “What the hell, you sick fuck!” he screamed kicking wildly to get the heavy beast off him, both sword blades digging even more into the bones of his shoulders, the scraping sound unusually loud in his own ears.

Grimmjow laughed and ignored the kicks, which were significantly weakened from blood loss.  He hooked a claw around his obi and sliced through it, ignoring the screaming female before him as well.  He was intent on his own pleasure.  He’d dominate this Shinigami in every way and leave him broken and bloody on soul society’s doorstep.  For once he agreed with something Aizen wanted done.  And to have the good fortune for the short bitch to be here…well so much the better.  Not only would he break him, she’d break too.  And he didn’t have to even touch her.

He grinned as he inched his hakama down revealing the pale skin underneath, fresh, and unmarred.  He couldn’t have that.  He needed some scars to remind him of this moment.  He left them there, just below the line of orange curls there and dug one claw into the flesh above the hip.  He hissed and tried to squirm away, but Grimmjow was now sitting on his thighs, and his weak struggles were nothing.  He continued trailing claws over him, leaving deep grooves welling with blood, pausing with a smirk as he drove his claw in deeply and began to carve the number six into the sensitive flesh above his orange curls, using his reiatsu to make sure it scarred badly.  He was marked now and forever by the Sexta.  Even Aizen couldn’t take that pleasure from him now.

“Well, ya don’t dye yer hair that obnoxious color, do ya?” he muttered, yanking at his pubic hair harshly, when he was done with his carving, getting a yelp for his efforts.  He glanced above him to see the female Shinigami turning her face away and closing her eyes.

He leaped off Ichigo and pulled her chin around to look at her.  Her breath hitched to be so close to the beastly man.  “You watch, if you don’t, I’m going to take his sword and drive it through his heart so you can hear him die.  Or would you rather me kill him?  You get to choose, watch and let him live, or don’t watch and he dies.  Though dying may be better…I don’t mind either way, bitch.”

Rukia gasped and swallowed, feeling the one holding her in position. He forced her head to look forward and down at her friend, the blood coloring the sand growing larger. Her stomach lurched painfully seeing the color steadily draining from his face. 

“Please, he’s going to bleed to death like that,” she said, realizing that her tabi were dyed red from the seeping liquid in the sands around her feet.

“Tch, tch, not yet, I’m not done,” Grimmjow said with a wicked grin.

He went back to his victim; Ichigo’s eyes had started to flutter so he slapped him soundly.  “Don’t pass out or I can’t guarantee what will happen to shorty over there.”

Ichigo forced his eyes opened and looked at Rukia who was shaking in Ulquiorra’s grasp just above his head, tears collecting at her eyes.  Maybe if he stared at her, just tried not to think about what was happening, maybe then it would be okay.  Just pretend it wasn’t happening.  That had to work.  He didn’t want her to get hurt, and he could handle anything…anything…  That’s what he thought.  If he stared at her, then she wouldn’t see what he was doing to him, keeping his eyes on her eyes, and she wouldn’t get hurt.  He wanted to tell her to stare at his eyes, to ignore Grimmjow, but he had no voice, it had been stolen by the pain coursing through him.

Grimmjow dug his claws around the waist of his hakama and slashed through the fabric shedding it off his body in a couple quick swipes, leaving him exposed.  Despite himself, he blushed with what little blood would come to his face. He pulled his legs up but Grimmjow grabbed his thighs and clamped down with both sets of claws, bringing out a shaky scream out of him from the sharp pain.  He swore the claws scraped bone.  He was pretty sure they did.  Grimmjow then forced his legs down and apart, though Ichigo fought it as much as he could, the fight was leaving him quickly along with his blood. 

“I’m going to kill you for this, bastard!” he said weakly, but there was no venom in his tone.  His vision was fading in and out and his head felt light and dizzy.

Grimmjow grinned, pulling his claws out of his legs, a couple gouts of blood spurting out from the deep wounds as Ichigo’s legs fell limply where Grimmjow had forced them.  He didn’t think he could even think about moving them now.  The muscles were twitching around the wounds and sending shocks of pain throughout his nerve endings.  His breath came harsh and thready.

“Please Grimmjow, don’t do this, you don’t want to do this to him!” Rukia pleaded.

Grimmjow grinned up at her.  “Like hell, ever since I fought him the first time I’ve wanted to pin him to the ground and fuck him bloody.”

He didn’t take time to gauge her reaction; he was tired of waiting; his throbbing erection was pressing against the inside of his release armor.  He forced the bone enclosure open, letting it free, and took a moment to stroke himself, spreading the blood on his hands on himself.  Rukia tried to close her eyes only to have a hand tighten on her neck when she did.  She let out a strangled whimper.  He leaned over the Shinigami brat, kneeling between his legs.  He looked up with furious brown eyes as he leaned over and clamped his jaws on his neck beside the sword he’d driven in.  His reiatsu flared making sure it was another wound that would never heal.  He arched, a strange gurgling cry escaping his lips.  He sat back up on his knees and looked at his work.  Blood still gushed around the sword wounds, and now trickled sluggishly from the bite wound.  Ichigo was panting heavily now, almost losing his consciousness when he was slapped again.

“I want you screaming,” he said grabbing his knees roughly and pulling his legs and tossing them up and over his shoulder, eliciting a moan of pain as the wounds on his thighs were aggravated.

Ichigo finally had it sunk in that this was really happening and he wasn’t going to pass out first, so he started struggling again only to stop with wide eyes when Grimmjow’s clawed hand grasped his testicles and squeezed, nails pricking the sensitive flesh.  “I can take these and then you’ll definitely bleed to death here.”

“Please, Grimmjow, no, don’t do this…anything but this…I’ve never…” he muttered, turning his head to the side, not seeing the grin that had spread over the Espada’s face.

Grimmjow snorted.  “Ha ha, yer kidding me?” 

Ichigo’s eyes rolled in his head randomly; trying to lock onto Rukia’s shocked expression, tears streaking down her face.  Grimmjow snorted.  “Fuck, seriously, yer a virgin!  Thought for sure you were bangin’ this one.  Either that or the red head with the tattoos...hum; now it really is my pleasure to do this…”

He couldn’t imagine pain from something like this to be worse than what he’d felt before.  But when Grimmjow lined himself against him and with one thrust buried himself inside, Ichigo screamed, his back arching off the ground, thrashing against the blades that had him pinned, fresh blood running as he struggled.  The racing pain in his shoulders was nothing compared to the stinging, burning pain shooting through his lower body now. And Grimmjow didn’t give him any time to adjust to the violent intrusion, just focused on his own release, his clawed nails digging deep into Ichigo’s hips, bending him awkwardly and painfully nearly doubled with his knees near his chest now.  Again, he swore that claws scraped bone on his hips, drawing blood there to drip to the sand joining the blood that was flowing from elsewhere, everywhere.  The sixth Espada was not small by any means, and the feeling of something inside tearing was obvious.  He knew he healed fast, but if he bled out before the wounds sealed…

Grimmjow let go of his hips but Ichigo didn’t notice the difference.  He roughly yanked the white sword, now stained red, out of his shoulder, getting another shudder and cry out of him.  His ruthless rhythm never stopped, reaching over and yanking the black Bankai sword out in the next moment.  Ichigo’s eyes fluttered, trying to roll into unconsciousness. Grimmjow leaned over and lapped at the blood with his tongue and then forced one of his thumbs down into each wound, making him jerk with wide eyes from the pain, a choked gargle all he could muster now.  Then he pulled out of him, and flipped him face down, once again resuming the hard, fast pace into him, this time getting renewed screaming as he yanked his hips up to meet him. Then he leaned over to force thumbs into the backside of the sword wounds every time his body started to relax and indicate he might just pass out.

Ichigo couldn’t hold himself up, both his arms completely useless, and his legs felt like leaden fire.  The searing pain running through his back and legs left him sobbing into the sand.  He coughed and sputtered the bloody sand filling his mouth and nose as he was ruthlessly rammed into it.  He briefly wondered if it would be better to drown in the sand.  It certainly couldn’t hurt more than this. He just wanted it to end, even if he had to die to make it end.  Finally, Grimmjow’s pace became frantic and even more painfully hard and then he felt the flush of stinging warm liquid into him and that was when he started to try to vomit his empty stomach of bile.  Grimmjow stayed there buried inside his prey, then leaned over and snarled in his ear.

“Nothin’ against ya, Shinigami, but I love to fight and to fuck, so now I’ll send yer broken ass home, and you won’t be fightin’ me again unless I find myself alone with ya again, then we’ll have a little repeat session, which I really hope happens, fuckin’ you into the ground has been the best fun I’ve had since I started working for Aizen,” he said grinning.  He moved back, pulling out, and Ichigo sobbed as something very warm and wet flowed down his legs.  He fell over into the sand, unable to move much as Rukia was let go and stumbled over to him and pulled his head into her lap. 

Grimmjow picked up both swords and dropped them at her feet, then reached up and flicked his hand to open the garganta.  He gestured to Rukia.  She reached out, dragging the two swords to her.

“Get him the fuck up, and the fuck out, bitch,” he said with a snarl.

She gasped and stood slowly, sheathing her own sword and sliding Ichigo’s through her belt.  She groaned, pulling Ichigo to his feet and dragging him through the garganta.  He was nearly unconscious, stumbling and falling as she tried to make the path solid enough for both.  He was drained completely of reiatsu and his strength was quickly fading.  At last the other side appeared and she stumbled out, finding her last strength to flash step to the ground, Ichigo’s consciousness finally slipping as she stumbled and fell over him.  His clothes were shredded, only vague remains of his hakama and kusodo clinging to him.  She was in soul society, but where?  Just then a couple flash steps could be heard and she looked up to Kira and Shuuhei staring at her, open mouthed.

“What the hell happened to you two?” Hisagi breathed, kneeling. 

“Shuuhei, I’m fine, get him to fourth, quickly, he’s lost a lot of blood, none of this is mine, it’s all his, I don’t even know if he can survive it,” she said panting, falling to her own knees, tears spilling out as she looked down at his slack face.

A second later there was another flash and Byakuya appeared beside his sister and frowned at her disheveled state, then his eyes fell on the crumpled Shinigami substitute, the bloody remains of his shihakuso not doing much to disguise his injuries.

“Nii-sama…get him to Unohana-taichou, he’s dying…” she gasped.

Byakuya frowned and gathered his sister up and looked at Hisagi and Kira.  “Kira can you stabilize him before you move him?”

Kira nodded and knelt beside him.  “I’ll stabilize him then take him to Unohana-taichou, Kuchiki-taichou.  If we tried to take him like this, he’d bleed out on the way.”

Byakuya was gone in an instant and Kira leaned over the orange headed Shinigami.  Hisagi kneeled beside him and looked over the injuries, amazed by the amount of blood coating his body.

“Kira…” he said softly.

Kira nodded.  “I know, I know,” he said softly.  “Got to stop this bleeding here before I can worry about that bleeding,” he said, pressing hands to the still weeping sword wounds in his shoulders.  Once they were staunched, he moved to his pelvis where there were some superficial cuts, but he was still losing blood from something internal.  He quickly staunched it then moved to the deep gashes in his legs, a couple he noticed were dangerously close to the main artery.  Whoever had done this knew how to avoid it so he didn’t bleed out too rapidly.

He looked at Shuuhei and nodded.  “Can you take him; I’ve exhausted much of my power on it…I don’t think I can Shunpo that far.”

Shuuhei nodded and gathered up the Shinigami as carefully as he could and wished he had a thicker shihakuso, but he didn’t.  He would be flashing through the area, so he shouldn’t be seen by anyone.  Of course, when you flash past captains, it is hard to go unnoticed, especially ones like Kenpachi who were always on alert for his favorite fighting partners, or those like Toshiro who happened to be in the right place as Hisagi touched the ground briefly.

“Was that Kurosaki?” Matsumoto said from beside him.  Toshiro nodded, and both took off to the fourth division to find out what was happening.

Toshiro and Matsumoto walked into the area to see Hisagi, standing there, blood covering his arms and chest.  He looked ghostly pale.  Beside him, Kira stood his hands bloody as well, and it seemed that both were oblivious to the fact that blood was staining them.  A second later, Kenpachi and Yachiru came in, a frown creasing Kenpachi’s brow, sensing immediately that Ichigo’s reiatsu was at a dangerously low level.  No one said anything for a long moment until Ukitake came out leading an obviously distraught Rukia, also dripping blood and Ichigo’s Bankai sword in her belt.  The fact that she had his Bankai sword meant that he had been in a fight.  And it had to have been brutal for her to have kept his sword afterward.

The others quickly crowded into the room, patiently waiting what Rukia had to tell them.  She pulled out his Zangetsu and sat it on the table, and they realized it was still dripping blood.  Kira pulled a cloth from his pocket and wiped the sword down quickly, and was a little surprised to find the blood went up to the cross guard, thick and heavy.

“Oh, he’s never going to be the same, Ukitake-taichou!” she said, gasping for breath.  “Not after…after…” She swallowed, looking a bit sick.

Hisagi and Kira exchanged glances, knowing what they’d seen.  But Rukia couldn’t talk, she was still rocking and shaking he heard.  Ukitake turned to Shuuhei and Kira with a questioning look.

“We were at some shops in Rukongai when we felt a garganta, so we headed to it with haste and saw Rukia and Ichigo dropping to the ground.  Both were covered in blood but none of it was hers.  Kuchiki-taichou came and took away Rukia while I tried to stabilize Kurosaki-san,” Kira said, wiping blood onto his black hakama as if he just realized he was covered in it from healing the Shinigami substitute.

“What kind of injuries had he sustained?” the soft spoken silver haired captain said softly.

Kira and Hisagi exchanged looks.  “Lots of battle wounds, it looked like, but nothing out of the normal for someone fighting in Hueco Mundo, but there were two wounds, one all the way through each shoulder, that were bleeding profusely, and some kind of internal injury, and what appeared to be claw marks on his thighs that barely missed the artery there,” he said, rushing the explanation.

Rukia cleared her throat.  “There were a lot of hollows, no idea how many, and somehow it was like they were separating us, I stayed with Ichigo, and Chad, Uryū and Renji were pulled away further and further.  We were worried it was a trap, but we didn’t know for whom, us or them.  We were both exhausted and Ichigo had been in Bankai for a while just trying to get through the massive number of hollows and to the others when two Espada appeared, one with green eyes, and that bastard Grimmjow. The green eyed one grabbed me, and held me while they fought.”

Her brother came in, and offered her a cup of water that she drank hurriedly.  She had to tell it before she couldn’t.  If she didn’t do it now, she’d never be able to say these words again.  She was still in shock, numb.  Later, the pain would well too much to repeat these things. 

She gulped.  “And Ichigo was doing fine, really, until he entered resurrección form. Some kind of cat creature, but Ichigo was losing to him, even as fast as he was in Bankai, he was just too exhausted, and Grimmjow was faster and hadn’t been fighting for the last hour or more.  He knocked Zangetsu away and kicked him to the ground, and then he just impaled him through the shoulder, all the way to the guard.  I’ve never seen anyone do something like that.  Then he came over to where I was and told me…told me I had to watch him break him.  He picked up my Zanpakutō and ran through his other shoulder with it.  He…he told him he looked like a pinned bug like that.”

She gulped.  “I tried to look away, Taichou, I tried, but he told me if I did he was going to take Zangetsu and run it through his heart so I could watch him die instead!  I think I would have rather watched him die, does that make me horrible, Taichou?” she asked, pleading with her captain.  “Maybe I should have…it would have been better to just die…”

Ukitake shook his head.  “No, Rukia, what happened, we need to know so Unohana-taichou can treat him properly.”

She swallowed, her hands shaking now.  “Then he ripped off the front of his kusodo and told him that he was going to break him and send him back to soul society as a message from Aizen, and he said he didn’t mind because he had wanted to do this since they fought the first time.  He tried to kick him off, but instead he latched onto his legs like that and he couldn’t even fight then, and he tried to pass out, but every time, he’d slap him and say if he didn’t stay awake he was going to do something to me, and Ichigo would try to stay awake…but…but...” 

She was silent, feeling her captain’s arm around her back.  “I don’t think I’ve heard someone scream like that before.  It was like something inside him broke, shattered and Grimmjow didn’t make it easy, midway, yanking both swords out and forcing his fingers into the wounds to keep him awake.  He flipped him, and then he was nearly suffocating in the sand because he couldn’t use his arms at all.  He was sobbing into the sand by then and I’ve never heard him cry, never once, and he looked at me then. His eyes, I’m not going to forget that ever…”

She was panting now from the exertion.  “When he was done, he tossed him aside and opened the garganta and dropping our swords, telling me to take him back.  He was so weak and bleeding so much, but I managed to get through and then we fell and Kira and Shuuhei found us.”

She finished with a broken sob as she started crying.  “Why would he do something like this?  Why would he want to do something so sick to another person? Why would anyone do something like that to someone like Ichigo?”

Ukitake squeezed her and turned to leave and talk to Unohana about what Rukia had said.  He made his way into the room where Ichigo had been laid out, bandages crisscrossing his body, his eyes closed but still in obvious pain.  Unohana looked at him with tired eyes.

“He’s going to live, Jūshirō.  But the damage we can’t see…” she said wondering what to say.

“Rukia was forced to watch,” he said softly, gaining a surprised glanced.  “He’s not he only one with unseen wounds today.”

Unohana nodded.  “The brutality of it, I’ve never seen anything like it.  And those wounds in his shoulders…the tearing inside him...” 

“Kurosaki-san would not give in easily, and the Espada used his own sword and Rukia’s sword to pin him to the ground.  She said that he ran both swords through him to the hilt to keep him still.  And then the wounds on his legs came from when he still resisted him,” he said, sighing a bit.

She sighed.  “I’m not sure he would have made it if Kira-fukutaichou hadn’t been close by.  The blood loss was massive.  I’m amazed he managed to stay conscious through the…ordeal.”

Ukitake nodded.  “Rukia said he kept slapping him and using his wounds to keep him awake, threatening that he’d do something to her if he passed out.”

Unohana’s kind eyes watched her sleeping patient.  “He may never really recover from this, Jūshirō.  This kind of violation is so hard to deal with, but as a man and a protector like he is…”

“Aizen wanted to break him,” Ukitake said, placing a hand on her shoulder.  “And I think from what Rukia said, he may have accomplished it.”


	2. Empty

Rukia sat beside the bed where Ichigo still lay unconscious.  Without Inoue, there was no way to accelerate the healing beside what the kido could do.  But what the kido could not heal was what she was afraid of. What even Orihime’s healing couldn’t fix. His breathing was steady, and the wounds had been sealed enough that the danger was passed.  But he was still asleep.  It had been two days already and there was no indication that he was going to wake up.  She heard a noise and looked up.  Renji stood with Uryū and Chad in the doorway.

“You’re alive!” she exclaimed in shock, leaping up to hug her red headed friend. 

She looked at Uryū and Chad, both bandaged here and there.  Neither one of them seemed terribly injured and she was very glad of that.  The three looked weary, and obviously tired.  She hadn’t even heard that they were on their way back.

“Orihime?” she asked, looking hopefully between them.

Renji nodded.  “She’s here; Unohana-taichou is looking her over now.”

She frowned.  “What happened?  You didn’t defeat them all, did you?”

Renji shook his head.  “I don’t know what happened.  After we were separated from you two, we ended up breaking through the walls of the place.  It was a maze and eventually we ended up at a doorway, when we opened it, Orihime was there.  We managed to retrace our steps and took off into the sands.  This morning a garganta opened and Urahara called us back.  He said Ichigo had been injured and was here, but he didn’t say how badly.  Considering he was here and not in Hueco Mundo, we figured it had to be pretty serious.”

Rukia glanced over at him and bit her lip. “Bad.”

“Can Orihime help him?” Uryū said, stepping up to look him over and adjusting his glasses on his nose.  He was still bandaged, and there were scars where the bandages didn’t cover.  “He doesn’t look in danger of dying; the fourth did a good job…”

Rukia reached out and brushed a hand through Ichigo’s hair.  “I don’t think anyone can heal this,” she whispered.  “I’m not sure I’m going to be okay. His wounds are sealed.  I just…I just…oh I don’t know what to do.  I’m just sick over everything,” she said quietly, tears already welling in her eyes again.  Tears had been a common thing since this all began.

Renji exchanged looks with the others. This was more serious than Ichigo just being injured.  “Rukia, what happened?”

Rukia couldn’t stop the tears from running down her face.  “I couldn’t do anything!  I couldn’t stop it, and even after it all, he wanted to protect me.  I couldn’t even look away, they…they made me watch…and…”  She turned, sobbing into Renji’s chest.

“Kuchiki-san,” a soft voice whispered and they saw Urahara standing behind them. “Do not blame yourself.  This was a tactical effort.  Orihime-san was the bait; Kurosaki-san was the intended target.”

Inoue had come up behind him as he spoke.  “What?  Urahara-san, they…they let me go?  What happened to Kurosaki-kun?”

She rushed into the room and looked him over, calling out her flowers to check him over.  “Why won’t he wake up?” she whispered.  “He should be awake.  His wounds are healed…”

Rukia nodded.  “He’s been like that since we got back.  No matter what we try, he just won’t wake up.  I don’t think he wants to wake up.”

Renji snorted.  “Well that’s ridiculous, Rukia.  I’m sure he wants to go beat the shit out of whoever beat him up so bad, he’ll wake up.”

Rukia stared at him.  “I don’t think he will, Renji.  I don’t know; I don’t know if he’ll ever fight again even if he does wake up.  Something tells me he won’t be able to wield a Zanpakutō the same again after this.”

Urahara put a hand on Renji’s shoulder.  “Abarai-san, you all come with me, and I’ll explain the situation.  It is a little more complex, and I think Rukia should stay here.  She’s been through enough without having to relive this part again.” 

Rukia resumed her silent vigil in the chair beside the bed.  Renji chewed his bottom lip for a moment then patted her on the back before following Urahara.

Urahara led them to a private office, sitting down as the others sat around the small, round table.  He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed, removing his hat, something that none present had ever seen him do.  They realized how entirely serious that made the situation.

“Urahara-san, why isn’t Kurosaki-kun awake?” Inoue asked softly. “I saw his wounds, which were terrible and he almost died, but still…”

“Trauma does that sometimes.  Most likely he can’t deal with it yet.  We’ll just have to wait until he can,” the older Shinigami said softly.

Renji frowned.  “Trauma?  He’s had it worse when Zaraki-taichou and I fought him.  Hell, Zaraki-taichou nearly skewered him.  Well he did but somehow he didn’t bleed to death.”

Urahara leaned back, eyes rolling skyward.  “If it were just physical wounds that would be the case, but after what happened…”

Uryū adjusted his glasses.  “I don’t understand? What happened?”

Urahara shook his head.  “You know it is hard to say what I’m about to say out loud.  To even think this could happen, especially at Aizen’s command, makes me sick, to be honest.  And I hurt so much for Rukia.  According to what she said when they returned, hey fought a lot of hollows after they were separated from you, for over an hour she said, and they were both becoming exhausted by that point.  Then they were met by Grimmjow and the pale green eyed one, Ulquiorra I believe.  She was restrained by him as Ichigo fought Grimmjow.  She said Ichigo was faring well until he went into resurrection form.  Grimmjow drove both Rukia’s sword and Ichigo’s sword through his shoulders once he overpowered him.  She said Grimmjow claimed Aizen told him that he was supposed to break him as a message to soul society.  And he did just that.”

It took a moment for the implication to sink in to Renji’s head.  “What, you mean that bastard actually…while he made Rukia watch?” The absolute horror on his face was undeniable.  Such things just were not done, not even when things were the most horrible between people, these things…

Urahara nodded.  “It was brutal.  He was nearly dead when she got here with him, if Kira and Shuuhei hadn’t been nearby...  He’d lost so much blood, and was so torn up it took Kira to stop the internal bleeding before he could move him.  Unohana-taichou said she’d never seen anything like it.  These things do not often happen here; even in the worst districts of the Rukongai, this sort of thing…it is taboo.”

Inoue looked around, seeing the crestfallen expression of all three men.  She frowned, not entirely understanding what they were talking about.  “I don’t understand…” she said softly.  “What caused it?”

Uryū put a gentle hand on her shoulder and sighed, closing his eyes to say the words that none of the others could bring themselves to say.  “Orihime, Grimmjow didn’t just fight him, he brutally raped him.”

Inoue blinked and tears suddenly rose to her large eyes suddenly.  “What? What? How could he do something to him?  And he used me to get him there!” she said, her breath hitching, just a fraction away from full hyperventilation.  Uryū pulled her into an embrace.  It was instinctive, and the first time he’d ever done such a thing to her.  But she needed it, and to be honest, so did he. 

Renji was staring at his clenched fists with barely restrained fury behind his eyes.  It was unthinkable.  Things like this…they did not happen.  Not like this.  Tears threatened.  Ichigo was so vibrant, so determined…and yet…there this was.

Urahara sighed and nodded.  “When he wakes up, he’s going to need all of you.  But don’t expect him to want you near him.  I honestly cannot tell how he will deal with this.  Ichigo’s strong, but I’m not sure anyone is truly strong enough for this.  To be overpowered by an enemy is bad enough, but to be completely defiled like this, all as an act of getting to us, here, to show us what he is capable of…I cannot imagine what he will feel like.”

There was a flutter of activity and one of the newer fourth division members ducked his head into the room.  “Kurosaki-san has woken up, but I wouldn’t recommend all of you go in at once.  He’s…a bit…ah…” he paused looking for the right words.  “Easily overwhelmed,” he settled on, walking away.

Urahara nodded.  “I’ll go in first and see if Rukia will leave his side.”

He stepped into the room a second later, finding Rukia sitting still, hands folded in her lap, staring at them.  Ichigo lay on his back on the bed but had turned his head away and was staring intently at the wall.  Rukia stood up, looking at him with wet eyes, and sighed to Urahara as she left quietly.

“Ichigo?” Urahara said softly.

He turned his head to him and blinked slowly, silent and still.  “Hey, Ishida-kun, Sado-kun and Abarai-kun are here too, would you like to see them?”

Ichigo turned back for a second then shifted, turning over to his side with his back to him.  Urahara frowned. He reached out and touched his shoulder, only to have him violently flinch away from it without looking at him still.  Urahara stepped back and nodded quietly.  He left the room to where the others waited.

“Has he said anything?” he asked Rukia. 

She shook her head.  “No, he woke up, and I stood up and hugged him, and he shoved me backward, and looked at me with such wide eyes, and he looked so scared, Urahara-san, I…I’ve never known him to be scared like that.  Then he just settled back down and stared for a while.  I asked how he felt and he just looked at me.  I called the fourth personnel and he practically took his head off when he tried to touch him.”

He looked at the others.  “Maybe one of you will have better luck.  You know him better,” he said softly. 

Renji went in to find him laying with his back to the doorway still.  He moved forward, grabbing his shoulder and he flinched violently away from him and turned to look at him, scowling.  He did not want Renji there now. Renji was strong, and Renji wouldn’t have let something like this happen to him.  He would have fought off Grimmjow.  He wouldn’t be laying here ashamed of himself like Ichigo was.  No, he couldn’t face Renji now.

“Ichigo, man, hey, we just want to make sure you’re okay, you know.  I mean, I know you aren’t but…well…”

He shook his head once and turned back to the wall.  Renji walked back out and shook his head at the others.  He looked to Chad.  “Chad, you’ve known him longest, I think, maybe you could try?”

Chad went into the room, and Ichigo turned as he entered, looking for a moment then shook his head silently, turning away.  Chad too would have saved himself.  No, he was not able to face Chad, one of his oldest friends, the one who always had his back.  Chad came out and shook his head.

“What are we going to do?” Rukia said softly.  “If he won’t even talk to us?”

Urahara swallowed.  “I don’t think going home would be good right now.  So, we should let him stay here.  Do you want to stay for a while before going back home and see if he’ll respond to you?  I’m afraid he may have chosen to shut down on himself after this.  We can’t let him.”

“Inoue, you should go in and let him know you’re safe,” Renji said quietly and she nodded, wiping her tears.  She’d been given some fresh, non Arrancar, style clothes to wear. 

She entered, staring at his back.  “Kurosaki-kun?” she said softly.  He turned to stare at her and sighed softly, nodding before he turned away. 

“Kurosaki-kun, please can you talk to me?” she begged him, tears welling in her eyes.

He looked back to her and shook his head, turned away again.  She swallowed hard and moved toward him, putting her hand onto his shoulder only to have him jerk away from her and turn to her with a scowl.  She pulled her hand away and left, waiting until she was outside to let her tears fall.  He was happy she was safe, no thanks to him.  Renji and the others had rescued her.  While he was in the middle of his own personal hell.  That was good, though.  That meant that going there hadn’t been completely for nothing except his own pain.

“He-he looked like he was glad I was here, but he jerked away from me…and wouldn’t talk…” she said, gasping through her tears.  Rukia put her arm around her and led her away, consoling her the best she could considering her own mental state. 

Ishida sighed and shook his head.  Maybe something less gentle would help shake him out of his funk.  He knew that it was risky, but he was going to give it a shot.  Rukia said he’d lashed out.

“Kurosaki, move your ass, we got work to do, you know,” he said, standing with his hands on his hips in the doorway.  He didn’t move.  “Kurosaki, get up, your wounds are healed, lazy bastard,” he said.  Again, no response.  He stalked over and reached out and yanked him by his shoulder over.  He locked eyes with the brown ones for a moment before he was flying backward with a reiatsu laced punch to the face.

Urahara stepped in and pulled him away.  “So, tough love is a no go,” Ishida muttered, massaging his bleeding nose.  A golden shield appeared and Ishida nodded thankfully to Inoue.

Renji frowned.  “Okay, so he is going to be violent if we push him.  Considering the power he packs, that probably isn’t a good idea.  So how are we going to get him to come out of this funk?”

Unohana came out then.  “I think we’re dealing with a psychological issue.  My guess is selective mutism has been triggered by the event.”

Renji frowned.  “What the hell is selective mutism?”

“It means, Abarai-san, he can talk, he just has chosen to stop,” Urahara said softly.

Ishida frowned.  “So, he could start talking anytime he wants?  So, what’s stopping him?”

Unohana sighed.  “It is complex.  It is a reaction to the event, part of the brain just decides it isn’t going to deal with it, and the best way is to simply lack the ability to speak anymore.  Then no one can make him talk about it.  Working with victims of this type of…trauma is not my specialty.  It isn’t exactly common here.”

They looked up to see Ichigo had come out into the hallway and was staring at them frowning.  He shook his head, and pulled the robe around himself and appeared to be looking for something.  Unohana watched him, and he pushed on the door to the bathroom and went in.  Of course, many visits to squad four meant he knew where he was going.

“I suppose he wanted to wash up?  I bet after sleeping two days he feels grimy,” Rukia said softly.  She left unspoken the other reason she thought he wanted to wash.  She’d spent several hours in the shower herself trying to wash away the thoughts and memories from her own mind.

They spoke some more after Unohana left.  But as they waited Ichigo wasn’t coming out.  He’d been in there well over half an hour already.  Urahara looked at the boys.  “He’s been in there an awful long time, Renji, you want to go check on him?”

Renji nodded. First the overwhelming heat surprised him.  And then the muttering he could hear from the other side of the screen made his stomach flip.

“Wash it away,” the whispered sounds.  “Dirty.  Must get rid of it all. Get him off me…stink of him.  So cold…want to be warm again.”

The smell though, he could smell something familiar on the air.  It had a tang of metal…blood?  He frowned, hearing scrubbing, but hard scrubbing.  He pulled the screen aside and yelled.

“Ichigo, stop that!” he grabbed a towel and yanked him up out of the water by grabbing under his arms, his eyes locked on him as he dropped a bloody scrubbing brush. Renji’s eyes blinked though as he noticed the purple colored six carved in his lower abdomen.  He toweled him off and grabbed a yukata and put him in it.

Ichigo didn’t resist, having been caught at what he was doing.  He flinched at Renji’s touch every time, but he just stared at the ground instead. Renji steered him from the bathroom, feeling his hands burn from the temperature of the water.  Ichigo just stared off as he was ushered back into his room.  Renji pulled the yukata that was stained red off him and stared, looking up as Unohana came into the room followed by Rukia.  He looked unbothered by the fact that he had completely scrubbed himself raw and bleeding over half his body and the rest was nearly scalded from the heat of the water he’d been in.  In fact, it appeared there was more than one blister rising on his skin.  Renji knew just from the brief contact with the water that his hands hurt.

Unohana waved them out of the room, and pulled the curtain closed, setting to work bandaging and healing the seeping wounds.  Ichigo just watched as she dressed them, his eyes hollow and far away.  She sighed and looked up at him, locking eyes.

“Ichigo, tell me what I can do?” she said softly when she was finished.

He shrugged, grabbed his covers and curled up facing the wall again.  She exited to see the anxious group waiting for her.  “It’s common, the washing like this.  Feeling dirty, worthless. You’ll need to watch him after I release him from here.  Any idea where he’ll be staying?”

The others shook their head, not really sure.  “Well, he’s going to need someone with him.  I’d like to believe that he won’t suffer the more extreme symptoms, but the strength of a person has nothing to do with how hard they are affected, and sometimes I think the stronger people are affected worse.”

“What could we be looking at?” Renji asked quietly.

Unohana sighed.  “Rape trauma syndrome is what it is called, a collection of possible symptoms.  The physical wounds are obvious.  The rest…  Obsessive washing is one of them, very common one, actually.  Feelings of worthlessness, suicidal thoughts and actions, anxiety, jumpiness, there are a host of other things. I’ll give you a sheet with the whole list to look out for, and some ideas on how to deal with them. It is a type of post-traumatic stress disorder.  And it can be devastating.”

Renji and Rukia exchanged glances.  “You think Kuchiki-taichou will let him stay with you guys?  Or should I try to put him in one of the barracks?” the red head asked softly.

Rukia looked thoughtful.  “Not anywhere near squad eleven, he doesn’t need Zaraki-taichou spoiling for a fight right now…  I’ll talk to Nii-sama and see what he thinks, but I can’t imagine him denying it.”

Renji stood at the front and waited for her to return and looked up to see Shuuhei and Kira walking toward him.  He waved at the pair as they got closer.  “Hey guys, how are you two doing?”

“Busy, but we came by to see how Kurosaki was doing?” Shuuhei said, and Kira nodded beside him.

Renji shook his head.  “I wish I could say he was doing great.  But that’s not the case.  He’s been healed up, of course, but now he won’t talk.  Unohana-taichou said it was selective mutism or something.  He can talk he just won’t.”

Shuuhei frowned.  “Wow, that doesn’t sound like him at all…”

“Nah, I know you two haven’t been around him much, but he’s one cocky, determined bastard.  And now…ugh.  We’re not supposed to leave him alone, and at first I thought it was rather stupid, that he’d bounce back, but man…”  He ran a hand over his forehead.  “He was in the bath for a long time and I went to figure out what was up, and I swear, he scrubbed half his skin off while he was in there.  And he’d even had the water so hot he had a few places he scalded himself.  Muttering to himself, first I’d heard him talk, about cleaning himself.”

“That’s messed up,” Shuuhei said. 

Kira nodded.  “So that is what happened, huh?”

Renji let out a long slow sigh.  “Yeah.  And Rukia is just distraught herself.  I can’t imagine being forced to watch as someone you’re friends with gets…ugh, fuckin’ Aizen.  Cruel bastard.”

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

“Everything went as planned?” Aizen said as Grimmjow and Ulquiorra entered his throne room, as the Arrancar had dubbed it.

Grimmjow nodded.  “Yeah, everything has worked out.  The Quincy, Shinigami, and human took the woman back to Soul Society this morning.  By now they should have heard about your ‘gift’.  I’m sure that they’re quite distraught after what you did to their precious substitute Shinigami.”

Aizen grinned.  “Me?  But I just gave the order, Sexta.”

Grimmjow nodded.  “Yeah, whatever.  What’d you pick me for that anyway?”

“Oh, Sexta, I’ve seen that yearning on your face when you talked about the substitute Shinigami.  The want was written all over you.  You wanted to fuck him from the day you set eyes on him,” Aizen said, rolling his eyes.

“I guess,” Grimmjow said.  “I prefer long term fuck toys.”

Aizen grinned.  “Ah, well, if all goes to plan, you’ll get to fuck him as often as you like.  Remember, this is just the first stage of the plan.  Remember, we need to find out exactly what it takes to activate that hollow.  Your little assault should do something.  I need to see if the hollow can exert complete control or not.”

“I still don’t get how having me fuck him does that,” Grimmjow said, scratching his ear thoughtfully with on pinky.

Aizen sighed.  “Physical trauma isn’t intense enough, Grimmjow.  Only the complete and utter degradation of his spirit would put him in the position to let go enough for the hollow to be in control.  You see, what is the most humiliating thing for a strong, young man like Kurosaki?  Why to be violated by his greatest enemy, or you.  I saw your little fight before.  The rage on his face was apparently.  And of course, the intelligence I received of his being of the preference for males helped cement the issue.  A pretty boy like him?  Of course, he’d be on the receiving end.  Now, do you understand?  There is no greater defeat than to be completely and absolutely defeated at the hands of the enemy in every way.”

Grimmjow shrugged.  “I guess, I mean, you think way too much about this stuff, Aizen-sama.  Whatever works for you, I guess.  Now what?”

Aizen smiled.  “We wait.  When the time is right, when he’s the most vulnerable, assuming of course, he is even capable of yielding control completely to the hollow, we will bring him back and I will extract the hollow and use it.  It would be a shame to allow that perfectly good hollow soul that I put so much effort into waste away in that idiot.  No, I want the hollow, not the Shinigami.”

“You will remove the hollow?” Ulquiorra asked, speaking up on the subject for the first time.

“Of course, not.  I’ll remove or obliterate the human and Shinigami from him, if I can.  If not, I’ll simply destroy him altogether rather than have the unknown he represents threaten me,” Aizen said with a smirk.


	3. Alone in the Dark

The world felt frozen.  And no matter how hard he tried, the heat wouldn’t warm him.  It started with the bath.  The water wasn’t warm enough, not warm enough, and he kept making it hotter and hotter, and watched his skin redden and knew it should be burning but it wasn’t.  It felt cold.  No matter what, it felt cold.  The only thing that felt hot was when someone touched him, then it just burned and he didn’t want it.  Every noise made him wince, and he just wanted to sleep it away.

He was broken, defiled by an enemy that he’d failed to defeat.  What more could they do to him?  He was worthless now, unable to even bring himself to talk to them, his fear shaking him to the core.  How could he fight if every time he even thought about his sword, he saw it protruding from his shoulder, the first painful intrusion into his body, no, his entire soul.  The swords had ripped everything open, and left him vulnerable, and then he used it against him.  It was all blood and pain and he didn’t want to think anymore.  He couldn’t touch a sword and not think about it, he knew.  He would see it in his mind, replaying every single time he closed his eyes.  _Every single time._   It never stopped.

He shivered, pulling the blanket up on him again.  It was like ice.  And even his inner world was frozen and blocked to him.  He heard the hollow underneath the ice.  But it was vague.  Even the thought of what he would say set him on edge.  He could imagine the hollow mocking him for his weakness and telling him how stupid he was being.  He’d take over.  He’d become the king and make Ichigo the horse.  No, he didn’t want to be that at all.  So, he fitfully fought with the blankets.  Why couldn’t he just tell them he was fine?  That he would move past it, it wasn’t a big deal, after all, he wasn’t dead…  But he couldn’t.  And if he was honest, he would rather be dead than deal with this mess in his mind.

Grimmjow had taken everything from him. His pride, his innocence, his integrity, and his very soul was rent under his claws.  His face filled his mind, and he began to despise the color blue.  All of it, even the sky insulted him, so he turned away from the windows to stare at the walls. It mocked him in his silence.  And in that silence, the dark was encroaching.  So inviting, so very inviting.  But there was no way to slip into that darkness right now.  He couldn’t heft Zangetsu, and the old man wouldn’t let him do what he wanted anyway.  He’d tried to scrub it away, and it just didn’t seem to come off him, this horrible filth that had been left on his skin.

So, what was left?  If he shut down, then what could they do?  He wouldn’t have to fight anymore.  He’d just stay there, and be a living shell, and somehow, he was okay with that right now.  Maybe it would change.  Maybe it wouldn’t.  All he knew that the encompassing darkness and cold was more welcoming than anything before.  If he couldn’t get warmth into his soul, he’d just let himself freeze all the way and not have to feel anymore.  If he didn’t speak, he didn’t have to change the state of things.  So, the answer was so simple.  He closed his eyes again, and again his mind was assailed with blue.  Fucking blue.  He hated it.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Renji stood at the doorway as Ichigo slept, fighting with the covers first.  He was well enough to leave the fourth now, and they decided to stay with Byakuya and Rukia would be best at the manor.  The whole area was quiet, guarded, and he could be alone if he wanted, but people would be close at hand if he needed them.  They had also decided he wasn’t to be left alone for even the briefest moments, so several others had been recruited to stay with him, all at least fuku-taichou rank.  To leave anyone else with an unstable Ichigo was asking for trouble if something got out of hand.  It was safe within the walls, and it was relatively secluded from others.  And Byakuya and Rukia would be there, Renji and some of the others too.  Maybe sitting by the koi pond would help.  It certainly couldn’t hurt.

Renji’s heart ached for both his friend and Rukia.  To be put through such a thing…  Soul Society wasn’t a perfect place by any means, but to rape another was nearly unheard of to the Shinigami.  Beings of such power like the Shinigami felt immune to such assaults, of course.  They could defend themselves.  However, Ichigo had been put in the horrible position of not being able to do that, of being trapped and having his entire being assaulted.  What would that leave of the strong, vibrant person he and Rukia had come to know?  And what of Rukia?  Renji knew she’d been suffering a low point, feeling she wasn’t powerful enough to stand with Renji and Ichigo, both of whom had gained Bankai.  Now, to be forced to watch as someone she considered one of her closest friends was violated in the worst way possible…  He swallowed hard and walked away.  He’d come to try and talk to him again.  It was obvious it would not work right now.

After Ichigo had woken up, Unohana went in to tell him that Rukia was taking him to the manor.  He just nodded, and followed.  His shihakuso had mended itself, his spiritual pressure returning to normal now, but he refused to touch Zangetsu who lay on the table.  Rukia asked Renji to bring his sword by later that day.  It was strange, considering the relationship Ichigo and Zangetsu had with each other.  He still wouldn’t touch Rukia, or anyone else for that matter, but he followed her, eyes focused on his feet and ignored everyone that tried to speak to him.  He knew some had, but he wasn’t going to respond, so it didn’t matter anyway.  Behind him, he left more than one confused Shinigami.

Finally, they reached the guest room for Ichigo to stay in.  Rukia didn’t have her sword on her and he was glad of that.  He knew if her sword had been there he wouldn’t have been able to focus and might have run from her.  Every sword he saw made him flinch away from the wielder no matter who they were.  His mind had connected the events so deeply, even the thought of a sword, even a mundane one, sent shivers down his spine and made him want to crumble into a heap.

“Ichigo, do you want me to bring Zangetsu down for you to have him nearby?” she asked, to which Ichigo’s eyes widened and he shook his head emphatically, sitting down on the bed and looking around.

Renji and Rukia exchanged glances then Renji excused himself.  Rukia stood nervously by the door.  “Um, nii-sama said that lunch will be ready soon, so we should go down to the dining room.”

Ichigo nodded and stood up, walking a few steps behind the shorter Shinigami.  She was desperately trying not to look at him with the pity welling in her heart.  Every time she closed her eyes, the images would assail her and the utter uselessness she had felt.  She sat him down at the table and sat beside him, waiting for her brother to come out.  He did and sat opposite Ichigo, glancing at him and his sister.  His downcast eyes were enough for Byakuya to wonder how deeply this was going to affect him.

Silently they were served lunch.  Ichigo didn’t really notice what he was eating, he just did so automatically.  Byakuya spoke up finally.

“Kurosaki, will you be training with my division while you are here?” he asked.

Ichigo merely responded by shaking his head.  Rukia sighed beside him.  “Ichigo, you’re going to have to talk sometime,” she said softly.  “Please, it is twice as hard seeing you like this.”

Ichigo looked up at her, brows knitted, and stood and left the table, leaving Rukia and Byakuya to watch.  “He’s not ready yet,” Byakuya observed.  “You must give him time.”

“I don’t understand, nii-sama.  I just don’t understand.  Why is he letting this get to him so much?” she asked.  “He’s supposed to be stronger than this.”

Byakuya sighed.  “He’s doing the best he can.  This is hard for him.  The violence and the betrayal of what is acceptable on the battlefield is twisted in his mind.  For a man like Kurosaki, this blow is worse than any other could have been.”

“But, Nii-sama, he’s more boy than man, by his own standards.  He’s sixteen years of age, and already…so shattered,” she said with a sigh.

Byakuya nodded.  “Someone needs to tell his father he is here and why,” he said thoughtfully.  “Maybe he can be of assistance.”

Rukia frowned and looked at him.  “What?  Another human?  He doesn’t even know what Ichigo does?”

Byakuya smiled.  The day Ichigo had been brought into the fourth, he had been summoned to a meeting where Ichigo was discussed, and his origin and parentage revealed to the other captains.  “Fathers always know.  Especially fathers who used to be taichou of division ten,” he said standing.

“What?” she gasped.  “His father…Isshin…is a Shinigami?”

“He is.  His powers have been unsealed.  He may be of assistance,” he said, walking away.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Ichigo sat by the Koi pond.  A week had passed, and he was still alone in his head.  He didn’t want anyone reaching him, honestly.  The week had been haze of people. He knew he was being watched.  First Rukia, then Renji.  Then it had been Kira who had stayed with him.  He found it awkward having him there, knowing that he’d been the one to treat him when he got back initially.  Then Isane was there for a bit, then Rukia was again, and Renji.  He wished they’d just leave him be.  The water in the pond, with the fish, it looked so comforting.  It would be like slipping below the water and breathing in and then everything would fade away.  He was surprised this morning though when he glanced up to see Shuuhei.  Another awkward memory for him.  Shuuhei had carried him to the fourth. 

He absently skipped a rock across the pond and sighed.  He missed Zangetsu desperately at the same time he feared the very sword that represented a part of his own soul.  And he missed being able to find his way to his inner world, but the way was blocked.  No matter how hard he tried, there was no way into it.  He even missed the damn hollow’s manic and crazy voice and laughter ringing in his head.  Yet, still, he feared what Zangetsu and the hollow would say to him.

“You know, it doesn’t matter if you talk or not, Ichigo.  Your friends are still your friends.  Even if you never lift your Zanpakutō again,” Shuuhei said from where he sat on the decking, looking out over the pond.

Ichigo nodded and skipped another rock.  There was a level of unease associated with Shuuhei that had nothing to do with what happened. Or rather it had a lot to do with it.  Shuuhei had been Tōsen’s fuku-taichou.  One of the traitors.  One of Aizen’s.  Aizen.  Aizen who sent Grimmjow after him.  Aizen who ordered Grimmjow to break him.  His mind began to spiral and the vision in front of him wavered and he realized that the thoughts were spinning out of control as the blue sky assaulted him.  He pressed the heels of both hands into his eyes and whimpered, a pitiful sound if he was even aware of it.  He pulled both knees into his chest and rocked back and forth, holding his hands to his eyes, trying to close out the sky.  Blue, too much blue…

“Ichigo?” a voice broke through the cacophony of sounds that were spinning in the darkness.  “Ichigo, come on, hey…”

The words led him out of the darkness and he put his hands down and looked to see Shuuhei was kneeling beside him now.  He gripped his knees and pulled them in, panting for breath.  He blinked slowly and sighed.

“What happened?  Was it something I said?” he asked, a worried look crossing his face. 

Shuuhei wasn’t sure about this, even less sure than Kira.  He’d been asked because he was young, and had be the one to bring him to fourth.  But because of how unstable he was, even without his sword, he was capable of severely hurting someone.  So, whoever stayed to keep an eye on him had to be able to handle him in a fight.  That meant third seats or above only.  Ichigo defeated two captains already, and he was more powerful now.  Even without his Zangetsu, he was dangerous.  But more than that, Shuuhei didn’t know him.  Not really.  He’d met him, heard stories, but unlike Rukia and Renji, or his human friends, he didn’t know much about him at all.

Ichigo sighed shaking his head and pointed to the sky.  Shuuhei looked up.  It was a clear day, the sky a vibrant blue…and then he remembered.  Grimmjow…he was the one with the blue hair.  Blue.

“Do you want to go inside?” he asked, keeping his voice low.

Ichigo shook his head and buried his head instead the black fabric of his hakama.  Shuuhei didn’t know what to do.  Should he leave him here or get him inside?  No, distraction would be better.  He’d known a person or two in his time that had been traumatized from battle.  Maybe this wasn’t so different?

“Hey, how about we go walk around a bit?  Might work off some of your anxiety.  Rukia said you sit here most the time,” he said.

Surprisingly, he looked up and nodded once, standing carefully.  Shuuhei smiled a little and let him lead the way.  He watched where he walked.  He stayed off the main paths and kept away from the areas that weren’t covered in grass.  He was avoiding the sand, Shuuhei thought to himself.  He also stayed away from the areas that others could easily sneak up on him from.

So, began their routine.  Every time Shuuhei came to him, they would walk instead of sitting by the pond.  Shuuhei eventually, growing weary of silence, filled it with stories of the things he’d done since becoming a Shinigami.  He even spoke of his being saved by the captain of the ninth, Kensei-taichou, and how he’d disappeared from Soul Society.  Shuuhei noted a soft smile that crossed his face when he mentioned the name.  He wondered if he knew who Kensei was briefly.  There was no way, he was gone, dead, most likely.  He confided in the silent boy how he felt after the betrayal and how much Tōsen’s defection had affected him.  He told him of his days in the academy, his exploits with the other Shinigami.  He even told him about the fact that besides Kira, these days most the other Shinigami had little to do with him because of his relationship with Tōsen. 

In a strange way, as the days then weeks passed, Shuuhei felt somehow connected to him now, even though he didn’t say anything at all.  There was no judgment when he looked at him with his lost brown eyes and Shuuhei had to resist the urge to hug the boy because he looked to desperately need it all the damned time.

The truth of the matter was, Ichigo had no idea what was happening to him.  He had tried to close off from everyone, but they kept trying to push their way in anyway.  Little had been heard from Aizen since their return.  He felt so used because that is exactly what had happened.  Aizen had used him to make a point to Soul Society, and what a point it had been.  He was scared, and afraid he’d descend into madness at any point.

Of course, a certain Hollow that shared room and board in his soul wasn’t about to let that happen.  Yes, this hollow had decided he’d had enough already. And he was going to fight to the surface and King was either going to do something, or he was going to take control and make him the horse.

It happened to be Shuuhei who was there when the hollow had decided he’d had enough.  They were making their usual walk around the grounds when Ichigo stumbled.  Shuuhei resisted the urge to reach out to him.  Then he shook his head violently and dropped to his knees.  Shuuhei ran in front of him to see what was happening and as he watched, his eyes began to change, the whites bleeding into black, the brown turning gold and a white foam flowed from mouth and nose forming a half hollow mask over the side of his face and extending over his entire forehead.  Then he cackled, the voice high and shrill.

“Fuck, king,” he said, the sound reverberating around him.  “Gonna make ya mah horse…”

He stood slowly, reaching at his back and frowning.  “Fuck, what ya do with Zangetsu…” he said, looking around.  “Goddammit, Ichigo,” he said.  “What the fuck…”

Shuuhei stood and reached for his Zanpakutō, which wasn’t there.  Ichigo’s face turned to him and the strange eyes rolled.  “Ah, chill the fuck out, sixty-nine, now where’s his fuckin’ sword?”

“Who are you?” he asked, knowing that he wasn’t Ichigo.

He turned and tilted his head back and giggled.  “The fuck you think I am?  The hollow.”

“What hollow?” he asked, frowning.  “What do you mean the hollow?”

Not-Ichigo snorted and rolled his head on his shoulders.  “The one that fuckin’ pays rent in Ichigo’s soul.  You didn’t know?  He’s fucked up, ya know.  Half Shinigami bastard that he is…and then I’m living in here too, fighting his fuckin’ ass for control every step of the way.”

Shuuhei blinked.  “What?”

The hollow Ichigo smiled.  “Ya should ask Byakuya.  I got out on his ass, but Ichigo, pussy, wouldn’t let me kill him, and took over again.  I warned him not to let me get control, and what does he do?  Runs off the Heuco Mundo.  What the fuck were ya thinkin’ king? Then everyone’s fuckin’ surprised that he gets…hurt…”

He stopped and lurched to the side, vomiting violently into the bushes suddenly.  “Holy fuckin’ shit, goddammit!” he cursed, staggering backward.  “Fuck, fuck…”

Shuuhei was no less on guard but approached, steadying him.  “What happened?”

The Hollow Ichigo shook his head.  “Fuckin’ unlocked the memories…that…fuck that bastard’s sick,” he said, reaching his arms across each other and rubbing his shoulders that still bore the marks of the swords. He the stared down and undid the obi thoughtfully and Shuuhei stepped back.

“What…?” Shuuhei asked, confused.

Hollow Ichigo shook his head.  “I gotta see…” he said absently.  “I gotta see if he…fuck.”

He had rolled down the black hakama until the carved six could be seen above his pubic line, nestled in the top of the fine orange hair trailing down his lower stomach.  It was an almost bruised looking mark, a purplish red unlike the actual scars that would fade.  He shifted and ran hands over the still bright red marks on the hips.  Shuuhei hadn’t seen the actual injuries at the time, there had been too much blood.

He held his hand over the mark, and Shuuhei noticed that Ichigo’s skin had gone several shades lighter, and his nails were turning dark.  When he glanced up the mask was encroaching on the other side of his face. The hollow was stronger…Ichigo wasn’t fighting him.  There was a flare of reiatsu from Hollow Ichigo’s hand and the six flashed brightly.  He looked up at Shuuhei, and replaced the obi but dropped the kusodo and turned to the dark-haired man.

“Where else?  There’s another mark.”

Shuuhei nodded and pointed to his shoulder, the place Grimmjow had bitten.  He gently touched the teeth marks and shook his head.  “Fucking hell, King…” he muttered.  Then he blinked.

“King?” he whispered, and looked around.  “Fuck.  Oh fuck.”

Shuuhei shook his head.  “What’s wrong?”

The hollow reached up and snapped the mask off his face.  It crumbled away, and Shuuhei stood there staring at the whiter faced version of Ichigo.  His hair was slowly fading out from orange into white.  Shuuhei frowned as he watched the change speed up until the skin was entirely white.  The hollow version of Ichigo licked his lips and Shuuhei realized his tongue was blue.

“He’s gone…I can’t…I can’t find him…” Hollow Ichigo said, blinking. “I think he just gave up to me…”

Just then Byakuya came out and stopped cold, drawing Senbonzakura and pointing it at the white version of Ichigo.

“Whoa there, cherry blossom,” the hollow Ichigo said, holding up his hands.  “Promise I’m not gonna kick yer ass this time…”

“Fuku-taichou?  What has happened?” Byakuya asked.

Shuuhei shook his head.  “Ichigo, he stumbled, then his eyes changed and this mask showed up, then he started talking and then as he did, he started changing into this…”

“He gave the fuck up, that’s what he did, goddammit King, I’m the fuckin’ horse!” he growled.  “Get the fuck back up here!”

He closed his eyes and then growled in frustration.  “Dammit!  Let me back in!  Ichigo, fuck!  _Let me back in!_ ”  He was pacing in circles now.  “Fucking hell, Zangetsu has to be fucking drowning in there by now, dammit!  Where’s his Zanpakutō?”

Byakuya looked like he didn’t want to give it to him.  “Look, if you want the bastard back, I’ve got to talk to Zangetsu, and that’s hard to do since Ichigo’s stupid fucking ass has somehow fucking blocked me out of our Inner World!”

“I’ll get it,” said Shuuhei, leaving the two of them and going to Ichigo’s room where Zangetsu had been put inside a closet.

Byakuya stared at him.  “I thought you wanted control of his body.  Why do you want him to return?”

By now, Ichigo’s black Shihakuso had started to reverse colors into the white that the hollow usually wore.  “Yeah, but not fuckin’ like this.  I mean, fuck, I can’t live like this.  You think he’s the only one affected by what the fucker did?  Hollows, there isn’t really a no for most of us, but he’s fucking human.  Even I’m tainted by the emotions and shit.  And if he stays locked in the goddamned inner world and I’m stuck out here…fuck.  This isn’t the order of things,” he said, growling again.

Shuuhei came back and handed him the sword.  The Hollow Ichigo sat cross-legged with the sword across his lap and closed his eyes for a moment.  Not a minute later he opened them with a scowl.  “Fuck.”

“You say that a lot.  Do you not have more eloquent expressions?” Byakuya asked.

“Fuck you, cherry blossom pussy.  No, fuck describes this.  I can’t reach Zangetsu.  I’m completely blocked out.  At this rate, the body will deteriorate.  And we’ll fuckin’ die.”


	4. Hollow Bloodlust

Byakuya frowned and stared for a moment.  “What?”

Shuuhei looked just as confused.  “I don’t understand.  Why would his spiritual body actually deteriorate?”

The hollow Ichigo rolled his eyes dramatically, which had an odd effect since the sclera was black.  “Do you people even think?  First off, is Ichigo different than other Shinigami?”

“He has a living human body,” Byakuya said suddenly.

“Yeah, and…” the hollow Ichigo continued.

“He shares his soul with an actual hollow?” continued Shuuhei.

“Give the boy a prize,” the white Ichigo said with a huff, crossing his arms and flopping to the ground.  “It’s blaringly simple.  I was passed from his mother to him.  I am a fuckin’ vasto lorde class hollow.  But more than that I’m a created hollow but that’s a story for another goddamned day.  Yes, and I’m fuckin’ badass when I go all out, by the way, which you’ve never seen,” he said with a look at Byakuya. 

“But anyway, the issue is, this is only part of his body.  The rest is back in the world of the living with Kon renting space.  I _am_ a vasto lorde classed hollow, no matter how I came to be.  Ask his dad about the hollow without a hole.  And no matter what I tell the king here about taking over, I _can’t._   Not permanently, anyway, because his body can’t handle it.  It’s one thing when I’m pushing him and taunting him, and coming partially to the surface.  It’s another to be in full control like this.  When I push the pure hollow to the surface…I’m not like this.  This is what I look like in Ichigo’s inner world.  Not what I look like when I take control of his body, as you’ve seen, Byakuya.  _This is different._   This is him switching places with me, which isn’t supposed to happen.  He can block me from the inner world, I can’t block him.  He can cut me off from Zangetsu, I can’t do that.  If I can’t access the inner world, this goes to hell pretty damn quick, burned up like a candle,” he said, gesturing to the body he was in. 

“And frankly, I keep Ichigo’s stupid ass alive, because I’m not keen on dying.  So, we got some shit to figure out,” he finished flopping down on his back dramatically.

“Nii-sama?” came Rukia’s voice tentatively from the doorway.  Byakuya turned to stare at her.

The hollow Ichigo didn’t move, just stared up at the sky.  Rukia came out and glanced down and back to her brother, eyes going wide.

“There has been…a complication,” Byakuya supplied.

“Fuck you, you pussy ass cherry blossom bastard,” the hollow muttered.  “Complication my fuckin’ ass!”

“Nii-sama?” Rukia asked, panic tinging her voice slightly.

“It would appear that Ichigo’s Hollow self has taken over his body.  And now we must deal with it,” Byakuya supplied, hand clenching around his sword hilt.

“What?  How is that even possible?” she gasped.

“Look, I’m tired of fuckin’ explaining this shit.  Now, one of you assholes hurry the fuck up and figure out how the fuck to drag his goddamned ass back out so I can get back inside and stop fuckin’ dying!” he said, standing suddenly and with a burst of sonido landed on the railing of the bridge to stare at them through narrowed eyes.

“Dying?” asked Rukia, looking at Byakuya.

“It would seem that the hollow will burn out the body if he remains in this form.  And neither we, nor the hollow, wish to see that happen,” he said. “I’m going to the twelfth to request Kurotsuchi-taichou’s help.”

“That fucker is _not_ getting his fuckin’ hands on me.  Go get Urahara,” he said, crossing his white arms defensively.  “Last thing I fuckin’ need is that psychotic Mayuri poking and prodding me.  No fuckin’ way.  I’ll let Urahara do anything he fuckin’ wants but I don’t trust Kurotsuchi.”

Byakuya sighed but left, leaving Shuuhei and Rukia with the transformed Ichigo.  “Um,” Shuuhei said, glancing up at him.  “What should we call you?  Do you have a name?”

He thought. “No,” he said, thoughtful for a moment.  “No one has ever bothered to name me.”

Rukia and Shuuhei exchanged glances.  “Um, how about…Shiro?”

He looked down and a smile split his face.  “Shiro.  I like that.  We’ll go with Shiro.  I was thinking Hichigo, but I like Shiro better.”

He hopped down with uncanny grace.  “Now, I’m fuckin’ bored stiff.  I’m going out.”

“Wait, you can’t just go walking around like that!” Shuuhei said.

“Then come on, sixty-nine, because my white ass is movin’, Ichigo may be fuckin’ happy to feel sorry for his goddamned self and mope by a fuckin’ pond, but I’m not.  I wanna find fuckin’ Zaraki…” he said with a wicked grin.

Rukia and Shuuhei exchanged worried glances.  Shiro looked back.  “Look, bitches, I give him power, remember?  And I have all his power, plus mine.  And Zaraki…well I missed that fight.  Only got to fight cherry blossom boy.”

Shiro walked ahead and Shuuhei noted the swagger he had, hips swaying when he walked in a fashion so unlike Ichigo.  He also walked with a fluid grace that belied incredible confidence in himself.  It was disconcerting to say the least.  Shuuhei had gotten used to the quiet and comfortable silence that he had with Ichigo.  And to see this…thing…take over made him feel strange.

Eventually they made it to the eleventh.  Shiro vaulted the buildings and released a massive burst of reiatsu that felt like Ichigo but slightly different, and much more powerful than he expected.  As expected, Zaraki and Yachiru showed up after a moment.  Shiro stood in the middle of their training field, the lower ranking members of the eleventh cowering from his reiatsu.

Zaraki tipped his head to the side, and looked at Shuuhei and Rukia.  “What’s this?” he asked.

“That is Ichigo’s hollow,” Rukia said.  “Apparently, Ichigo has given him control for some reason, and he’s spoiling for a fight with someone.  He thought you’d take him up on it.”

No more words were needed.  Zaraki reached up and removed the eye patch, a wave of immense pressure forcing many more of his unit to their knees.  Without a word, they realized that Shiro was in Bankai and they clashed immediately.  Neither Rukia nor Shuuhei had seen Ichigo’s previous battle with Zaraki.  Of course, they knew it had to be something because of the sheer amount of reiatsu they put out.   But it was amazing.  Neither one would give.  And Shiro did some strange things that were completely unpredictable and there was no way he could be watched.  He also had a cero that he used on the taichou.  Before long, the whole area was surrounded by the eleventh division and Yachiru was yelling and cheering for both gleefully.  Rukia didn’t think she’d ever seen the taichou happier than fighting with the hollow version of Ichigo.  It was different, certainly, but he still had all Ichigo’s power plus the cero. 

It seemed forever, but finally, they’d fought to a draw, neither of them able to stand, both laughing manically.  To be honest, it was more than a little disconcerting.  Ichigo’s clothes were more red than white now, but as they watched, the red began to fade.  Instant regeneration…  By the time he sauntered back to Rukia, his shihakuso had mended completely and his wounds were gone.

“Refreshing,” he said with a smirk. 

“What is this?” asked Ikkaku who had come up with Yumichika during the fight to watch.  “I thought Ichigo was out of commission lately at the Kuchiki manor…”

“Fuck Ichigo,” came Shiro’s reply, settling hands on his hips and winking at the pair of them.  “I’m having fun for the time being without his boring ass.  Wanna go get some sake?  Maybe I can find that lush taichou and drink him under the table…” he said, twirling the strange white Zangetsu by the black wrapping at the hilt thoughtfully.  “If I’m gonna die, at least I’m gonna have fun before I go!”

Rukia and Shuuhei followed and motioned Ikkaku and Yumichika to come along for an explanation.  They really didn’t want to lose Shiro out of fear one of the Shinigami would attack him.  He doubted it would hurt Shiro, they were worried about everyone else.  He was, at base, a hollow, so killing instead of incapacitating might not be farfetched for him.

They entered the bar and he grabbed a bottle of sake from the front and proceeded to drink straight from the bottle.  “Shiro,” Rukia said.  “Ichigo doesn’t drink; his body’s not going to react well to all that alcohol…”

He grinned.  “Yup!  Gonna get drunk off mah hollow ass!” he announced and guzzled almost the entire bottle at one go.

Ikkaku looked at Rukia.  “Ichigo’s hollow.  Apparently Ichigo, unlike the rest of the Vizard he trained with, doesn’t just have an inner hollow, his is half of his soul.  He was literally passed it from his mother.  So, Ichigo, after the incident, has retreated.  And now Shiro, what we’re calling him, is stuck outside their inner world.  If he can’t get back in, the body will give out because he’s a hollow soul, not a human one, and it can’t contain him for a long period.  And we can’t reach Ichigo.”

Yumichika slid into the seat opposite the hollow.  “You fought taichou to a draw.  Pretty impressive,” he commented. Ikkaku, Shuuhei and Rukia also sat down to keep an eye on the body that belonged to someone else most the time.

Shiro looked at him with bleary, drunk eyes.  “Hmm, yeah, nothin’ gets mah blood goin like a good fight.  Except a good fuck, but haven’t done that a fuckin’ age!”  He leaned forward.  “Ya’d fuckin’ think a goddamned teenage boy would get some ass, wouldn’t ya?  Not fuckin’ Ichigo.  Goddammit. All the things I couldn’t get him to do, finding someone to fuck wadn’t one of’um.”  He smiled and swayed a bit.  “Drunk is good.  Don’t hafta think.  Say, pretty boy,” he said looking at Yumichika.  “I’d fuck ya, ya know, if shiny here ain’t doin’ it fer ya,” he slurred with a lecherous grin.

Rukia and Shuuhei exchanged glances.  “Shiro, I doubt Ichigo would appreciate you having sex with people without his permission,” Rukia said, turning slightly pink.

He looked at her. “Wha?  Ya just mad cuz he didn’t wanna fuck ya.  He’d rather have a nice cock than a pussy, ya know. I know.  I see his dreams…” he swayed back and looked up at the ceiling.  “He does dream…but never acts on it…just fuckin’ dreams.  Doesn’t even fuckin’ jerk off, celibate goddamned monk kid!”

Rukia’s face had gone scarlet and the others were exchanging glances as Shiro’s voice seemed to grow in volume.  “Sheesh, ya’d think a healthy boy would like to put his dick in something.  Nah, that’s not it. See that’s tha problem with this wholes sichiaton,” he slurred then looked at them.  “Yeah, see he _wanted_ to be fucked.  But then fuckin’ Grimmjow fuckin’ messes him up and he has it all screwy in here,” he said, pointing to his white head.  “He’s got all kinds of messed up shit about it.  What he wanted, whether he deserved it, whether he made it happen, whether he should have been smarter…never fuckin’ seen someone hate himself so goddamned much and be so afraid everyone else hates him even more…” he said thoughtfully.  “And I can’t fuckin’ reason with him!  He won’t fuckin’ let me!”  He slammed back the rest of the sake and stood on unsteady legs.

“Fuckin’ hell, fuckin’ bastard…take it all and screw it up…” he muttered and headed toward the door. 

Rukia and Shuuhei got up and went after him, catching him as he almost fell out the doorway.  He glanced up at Rukia.  “Sista Rukia,” he slurred.  “That’s wham he thinks a’ ya.  Like his sister. Renji’s his brudder, ya know.  But well, others aren’t as close and he admires from afar…” he said with a sigh.  “Like you,” he glanced at Shuuhei.  Shuuhei started and frowned.

“He likes ya, thinks yer strong after Tōsen’s betrayed ya.  And hot.  Specially with that tat.  But ya know, don’ matter now,” he slurred and slumped even heavier.  They got him back to the manor and into a bed where he promptly passed out.

Shuuhei stared at him for a long while and shook his head.  “Do you think he was telling the truth about all that stuff he was saying?” he asked Rukia finally.

Rukia shook her head.  “I don’t know…I mean, he was drunk, I can’t see him being able to lie well under that much sake…”

There was a knock and they looked up to see Urahara.

“Urahara-san!” Rukia said standing.

“I hear you’re having quite the adventure lately…” he said.  “I just came through from the world of the living, what’s happening?”

“This,” she said, and brought him in to look at Ichigo.

“What in the three worlds…” he muttered.

“Shiro, that’s what we’re calling the hollow, has taken over.  He says Ichigo has buried himself and won’t let him even come back to their inner world.  He’s convinced he’ll burn out their spiritual body if he can’t return, and they’ll die.  So today, he fought Zaraki-taichou for almost two hours, and then proceeded to get drunk off a whole bottle of sake, then passed out, after trying to convince Yumichika to…rendezvous because he’s mad that Ichigo wasn’t sexually active…  Went on this tirade about how Ichigo hates himself and thinks everyone else hates him even more, and that he’s always been interested in men, in particular, um, I don’t know how to explain it…” she said, blushing at the though.

Urahara nodded.  “He was interested in being the receiving person in a relationship with another man,” he supplied.

She nodded thankfully for his tact.  “And when Grimmjow…” she paused, closing her eyes to take a breath with much effort.  “When he hurt him, now he’s doubting everything, and I’m guessing he just shut down, and then even that was too much for him, so when he sank into his inner world, he just didn’t come back out of it.  And Shiro took over like he does when he’s in danger.”

Urahara nodded and went to the passed-out form of the hollow Ichigo.  He cast a few diagnostic kido and then hummed to himself.  “I’ll go confer with Kurotsuchi.  Byakuya said that he refused to see him.”

Shuuhei nodded.  “Adamant that he wouldn’t go near him.  He said you could do whatever, but Kurotsuchi-taichou wouldn’t put a finger on him.”

“Perhaps Ichigo’s experiences with him tainted the hollow’s view.  How is he, this hollow?” he asked, glancing at him.

“Opposite of Ichigo in every way.  He’s vulgar, crass, rude, lusts for battle and sex and alcohol…he couldn’t be more different,” Rukia said.

Urahara smiled.  “Is he really that different or is he everything that Ichigo just doesn’t let the world see inside himself?”

Urahara stood and left them, still confused and unsure what they were going to do.  Shuuhei offered to stay, but Rukia said he should go on since she and Byakuya were there and could handle anything Shiro had to offer.  So Shuuhei grudgingly went on and wandered back to get a drink for himself.  He walked in to find Renji and Kira already there with Ikkaku and Yumichika.  They waved him over to their table and he went, sitting down and accepting a drink.

“Hisagi!” Kira said with a smile.  “Madarame was telling us about your fun with this hollow Ichigo!  He propositioned Yumichika, even!”

Renji looked over with wide eyes at Yumichika who had blushed slightly.  “Really?  That brazen?”

Yumichika nodded.  “Yes, and quite…vulgar about it.”

Renji looked Shuuhei.  “You were there, what the hell happened?”

“He just changed; it was weird, like all the color leeched out of his skin, face and hair, then his shihakuso too.  And the Zanpakutō even changed color, inverting…  Really strange.  And saying all sorts of strange things, like when we were walking back to the manor he told Rukia she was his sister and you were his brother but there were others Ichigo admired from afar…”   He stopped, his own face coloring a bit, but it could have been the sake.

“Oh, like who?” Ikkaku said, grinning. 

“He said he liked me a little,” he admitted, arching a brow.

“Must be more than a little for him to say something,” Yumichika said with a grin.  “Oh my, I think our substitute Shinigami might have a crush on you.”

Shuuhei shook his head.  “Doesn’t matter, he’s not even himself right now.  Who knows if what that hollow says is true anyway?  Maybe he’s not even interested in guys.”

“I doubt that,” Renji supplied, getting everyone’s attention.  Renji looked at them all.

“Come on, I’ve seen Orihime practically throw herself at him, and while he’ll do anything for her as a friend, he won’t even come close to touching her in a romantic way.  And Rukia was living in his closet for pity’s sake.  And not a move one the entire time!  Then he’s got this friend Tatsuki, he’s had since childhood, and nothing between them.  I’ve seen him spend more time watching guys around him than girls, I know that…” Renji said with a small grin.

“And the hollow said that he had zero experience,” Ikkaku said quietly.  “Like not even…” he held up his hand and wiggled his fingers.

Renji’s eyes bugged.  “No, really?”

Ikkaku and Yumichika nodded together.  “Not even once!  The kid’s never had one.  And he wanted to be the bottom in a relationship, he said, too.  So, when that Espada raped him, he took his virginity _and_ threw him into a tail spin because he hadn’t even come to terms with his own sexuality!” Yumichika explained, sitting back in his chair triumphantly.

“And how do you know so much, smart ass?” asked Ikkaku.

Yumichika straightened his hair.  “Because beautiful people must learn to accept our own beauty, and that includes the more carnal beauty of our lives.  And I must admit, our orangette has a certain beauty to him.”  He rolled his eyes.  “And perhaps I understand a bit of where he’s coming from.  Admitting what you want is hard sometimes.  And if he hasn’t accepted himself, then it is possible that that’s what is driving his depression and isolation.”

Of course, everyone knew that Yumichika was gay, and Ikkaku was his partner.  Everyone knew that Yumichika was also quite happy in the role he filled in their relationship, and wouldn’t change positions with Ikkaku if he could.  Everyone also knew that Ikkaku wasn’t gay.  He loved Yumichika, and that was that.  He hadn’t fallen in love with his gender, it was Yumichika himself.  Gender was meaningless, in the end after all.  Just the outside bits of a person.  In the end, being satisfied with the inside bits was far more important.  And so Ikkaku and Yumichika had come together.

“I think perhaps I should talk to Shiro and see if I can’t get through that beautiful skull of Ichigo’s that there’s nothing wrong with accepting himself…” Yumichika said thoughtfully.

“But if he’s hidden himself…” Shuuhei said softly.

“Then I’ll hope he can hear me,” Yumichika said with a sigh.  “I’ll go by after lunch tomorrow, give him time to throw off that horrid hangover he surely has.  Unless that hollow regeneration works on that too…”

The rest of the night they talked about various things but as they were leaving Shuuhei grabbed Ikkaku by the arm.  “Hey, can I talk to you?” he asked, slightly bolder than normal due to the sake.

Ikkaku swayed a little.  “Yah, what’s up?”

“I was wondering, I mean, I know you and Yumichika are in love, have been for a long time, because he followed you to the eleventh and all, but how did you know you…you know, felt stuff for him when you don’t normally like guys?” he asked tentatively and in a rush before he lost nerve.  He really needed to sort this out.

Ikkaku seemed to sober a little.  “It made sense.  Seeing him all the time made me happy.  I looked forward to it.  And he seemed to do the same.  I knew he wasn’t straight, and he thought I was, so he never said anything.  But when I started to feel like I wanted more I went to him straight away and asked if I was messed up since I was straight and all.  He said, well, kiss me and see what happens.  If you don’t like it, no harm, if you do like it…then we see what we can do about it.  Turns out he kisses better than any woman I’ve been with, and it just didn’t matter anymore after that.  The kiss sealed it.  I knew then.  I’ll never love another man, I love him though,” Ikkaku grinned drunkenly.  “Speaking of which, I gotta get back before he goes to sleep…if ya know what I mean…”

Shuuhei shook his head and wandered back to his own unit.  As usual, aside from those he’d just left, most of the Shinigami left him alone, ignored him, or at worse, talked behind his back.  They all speculated about him and Kira and whether they were involved with the traitor Shinigami.  And it was so hard.  He realized that in two days he was supposed to sit with Ichigo again.  But Ichigo wasn’t going to be there in two days, and he suddenly realized that it made him ache at the thought he wouldn’t be able to see him and wouldn’t be able to walk the Kuchiki manor’s grounds with him, silent as he was.  He was comforting, and didn’t judge him.

He sat on his bed heavily then flopped back into a fitful sleep filled with half formed dreams of orange and white.


	5. From One to the Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five chapters done, that means edits before the next one is posted!
> 
> WARNING: SPOILERS if you haven't read the manga.

Rukia found herself woken suddenly by the strange feeling of someone staring at her as she slept.  She opened her eyes and found Shiro standing over her, his white face inches from her own.  She screamed, completely unable to help it.  Shiro grinned, seemingly pleased with himself and stepped back.  A second later, Byakuya stuck his head in the room and frowned.  Rukia sat, hand pressed to her chest, glaring at Shiro.

“Shiro!” she exclaimed.  “What are you doing?”

“Bored!” he announced, sitting on the bed.  “Woke up two hours ago and I’m bored!”

“So why are you hovering over my bed?” she asked, frowning.

He grinned at her.  “Where else am I supposed to be?”

She sighed.  “Not in my bed,” she said with a sour expression.

Shiro moved and sat down on the side.  “I’m still bored,” he commented.

“Don’t tell me you don’t have a hangover,” she said, sitting up slowly.

Shiro shrugged.  “Nope.  Hollow, remember?”

Rukia sighed and pulled her robe on over her sleeping clothes and stood up.  “You know, if my brother finds you in here, he’s going to be upset.”

Shiro smiled.  “I was kinda hoping he would.  I could do with another fight today.”  His expression didn’t last though as he picked at his black nails.  “It wasn’t supposed to be this way, you know.”

Rukia sat beside him.  “Oh?”

“Yeah, see, you’d have to understand, Ichigo doesn’t…well, he doesn’t have a Zanpakutō spirit, well not like the rest of you,” he said finally with a sigh.

Rukia frowned.  “What’s Zangetsu?”

Shiro grinned turning toward her.  “Me.”

Rukia blinked rapidly.  “I don’t understand.”

He smiled softly.  “Yeah, so I was in his mom.  But his mom, she was a Quincy, and she was gonna die.  I was just doing what I was made to do, turn people into hollows.  Well, turn Shinigami into hollows, I guess, but it was supposed to be different.”

Rukia crossed her legs and looked at him.  “What do you mean, made?”

He smiled.  “He called me White.  Because I was a collection of Shinigami souls he twisted and manipulated into a form that I was a hollow.  A hollow without a hole because I wasn’t really a hollow.  I had a purpose, and I fulfilled it.  How’d I know that Shiba’d decide the Kurosaki bitch was good to be saved?”

“Huh?” Rukia said, eyes going wide. 

“Kurosaki, that was her name, the Quincy.  She was the last one of them.  Boy, it pissed Ishida off when Shiba bonded his soul to her to keep me from killing her, they were supposed to get married, you know.  Then boom, I fucked everything up,” he said with a smile.  “Worked I guess.  Masaki loved Isshin.  But Isshin, he was more human and they didn’t know it would happen, but I was inside Ichigo when he was born.  More than that, I…I’m his Zanpakutō spirit.  He doesn’t even realize it.  That’s what I was meant to do.  Take over and replace the Zanpakutō spirit.”

“But, the old man he talks about?  Who’s that?  You talk about Zangetsu like he’s someone else,” she said, frowning deeply.

“He is, but he’s not the Zanpakutō.  He’s the Quincy powers.  See, he’s both.  The old man is just a manifestation of the powers.  And the old man keeps most his power locked up.  He couldn’t handle it all at once,” he said with a sigh, running his hand through the white hair.  “So, you see why I really can’t ever be in control.  He has to be the king.  I’m his Zanpakutō.”

Rukia stared at him and had no doubt he was telling the truth.  There was something in the way he spoke, something in the way he moved, that told a story sad and lonely.

“You miss him,” she said finally.

Shiro turned and grinned.  “I do.  I love to mess with him, tell him stuff when he gets annoying.  He gets so mad, and we have some good fights in here.  I want to protect him more than anything.  I want…I want…”  Shiro paused.  “One day, he’s gonna do something stupid, I know it.  Something that tears me away and I can’t even think of that.  I want to protect him from the world, but I can’t do it out here.”

Rukia was completely amazed by this creature that was inside one of her dearest friends.  She realized that he was Ichigo, really, but a self-serving Ichigo.  The only person Shiro wanted to protect and make happy was Ichigo.  Ichigo wanted to protect and please everyone else.  And they had both failed.  Ichigo failed to protect her, and Shiro failed to protect Ichigo.  No wonder they were so mixed up.  She patted him on the shoulder.

“Come on, you may not need food, but Ichigo’s body does,” she said, and led him to breakfast. 

Byakuya kept a wary eye on him and Rukia was annoyed with her brother.  It wasn’t like he was going to do something crazy.  “Your reiatsu is lower today,” Byakuya commented.

Shiro looked up.  “Yeah, that’s going to continue until it disappears, and I die.”

Rukia swallowed.  “What can we do?”

Shiro shook his head.  “I don’t know.  I can’t reach him.  He won’t let me.  He’s perfectly content to sit in there and die.”

Rukia realized the comment was intended for Ichigo and nodded.  “Maybe if you go walk the grounds like he used to do, he’ll surface for us and let us at least talk to him.”

Shiro shook his head.  “Whatever you wanna try, it’s worth a shot.  I was gonna suggest finding someone for me to fuck and see if that got his attention.”

Rukia smiled.  “I imagine it would, but let’s try this first.”

Byakuya fixed her with a confused look at her reaction to his vulgarity. She shrugged at him, and took him by the hand, leading him out to the grounds.  They spent the morning walking the grounds and eventually sat down by the koi pond where Ichigo had spent so much of his time. 

“I thought you’d be here,” came a voice behind them.  Shiro and Rukia looked to see it was Yumichika standing behind them.

“Hey, princess,” Shiro said with a sigh.  “Decide you wanted a real man to fuck ya?”

Yumichika smiled.  “I actually wanted to talk to Ichigo.”

Shiro shook his head.  “Good luck.”

Yumichika sat down beside him and stared over the water.  Rukia nodded to him and excused herself so they could have privacy.

“I’m thinking I should at least try to talk to him.  Would that be okay?” Yumichika said without looking at him.

Shiro shrugged.  “I guess.  I mean, who knows, maybe he’ll listen to you.  He doesn’t listen to me.”

Yumichika turned to him and looked at him for a long moment.  “You love him, don’t you?”

Shiro looked at him and shrugged.  “It’s stupid to even think such a thing.  I live inside him.  Nothing to be done even if I did…you know…care for him.”

Yumichika sighed and squeezed his shoulder.  “Well, the least I can do is see if I can’t help.”

Then, to Shiro surprise, he was lying flat of his back with Yumichika straddling his hips.  Yumichika’s hands were pressing his shoulders down into the ground and despite himself he winced as a wave of arousal hit him.  Yumichika grinned at his confused face.  “Don’t get too excited.  This isn’t for you, Shiro-chan.”

Shiro rolled his black and gold eyes.  “Yeah, well try to tell that to my cock.”

Yumichika shook his head and looked around, and seeing no one pulled out his Zanpakutō, calling the true name and letting the vines wrap around the white form below him.  He groaned.  “Holy shit, what is that…” Shiro moaned. 

“Don’t tell anyone about this, especially not Ikkaku.  I’m not going to drain it all, just enough to hopefully lower your reiatsu and force Ichigo’s to come closer to the surface,” he said with a smile.  He, of course, was feeling quite good.

When Shiro’s eyes were half closed, he stopped and reached for the second reiatsu and felt Ichigo’s rising to fill the void.

“Now, if I have your attention, I wanted to talk to you.  It has come to my attention that you may be having a bit of trouble with self-acceptance, and that you are running away rather than deal with it.  I understand, it isn’t easy.  You are such a beautiful creature, and you need to accept that.  There are many who will love and adore you for what you are.  I found Ikkaku, and for a long time, I didn’t think he would ever reciprocate my love of him.  But one kiss told him the answer, and we’ve been together since then.  You are alone and cold and you’re scared.  Hiding, though, won’t help.  I want to help you, if I can.  I’ve been through a lot, and believe it or not, I do know what you’re feeling. 

“I was young still and it was before I met Ikkaku.  I was struggling with my own self.  I knew I wasn’t like the other boys, I knew that beyond a doubt.  And other people noticed, including someone that didn’t care.  He didn’t like that I was more of a girl than a boy, and he wanted to show me what it was like to be a girl.  It took a long time for me to get over what he did to me.  I spent years avoiding people, and in the end, it was meeting Ikkaku that changed things for me.  He didn’t care about my past, even when I told him.  He didn’t care that I was the way I was.  And that acceptance, it changed everything.  Now, please, I want to talk to you, and Shiro wants to go back, he’s getting very tired.”

Yumichika pulled back his Zanpakutō and moved off Shiro.  He blinked bleary eyes at him.  “What a power,” he muttered.

“I can’t use it in the eleventh.  We only use combat Zanpakutō.  He gets mad because I say his name wrong, that’s why he doesn’t come into true Shikai.  He pouts,” Yumichika said with a smile.

After a few long minutes, Shiro sat up.  “I don’t feel any different.”

Yumichika smiled at him.  “Give it time.  I just hope he listened, and I hope he’ll come and talk to me.”

He stood and walked out, calling for Rukia as he went.  She came back and sat down beside Shiro’s prone form.  “Well?”

Shiro shook his head.  “No idea.  Still nothing.”

She nodded.  “How about a walk outside the grounds, then?  See some other people, maybe encourage him to come out.”

“Can’t hurt.  Maybe another bottle of Sake would help,” he said standing up and stumbling a bit.

“Are you okay?” Rukia asked, steadying him.

“Fine, just getting to my feet.  All the blood rushed to my fuckin’ cock.  Damn Yumichika…” he muttered, adjusting himself unabashedly in front of Rukia.

She sighed and they headed out to walk around.  Along the way they ran into a few people, but Shiro seemed somewhat distracted and didn’t seem able to focus on a conversation.  They headed toward the ramen place for an early dinner and saw that Renji, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Kira and Hisagi were all there doing the same.  Rukia smiled and went over to the tables they were at, pulling Shiro along. 

Yumichika smiled.  “Anything from our hidden boy?”

Shiro sighed and shook his head.  “No, but I could kick your ass.  Leaving me high and dry like that…fuckin’ tease.”

Yumichika giggled and then saw the glare he was getting from Ikkaku.  “Don’t fret, love.  I just had to get Ichigo’s attention.  It appears Shiro didn’t appreciate it.”

Ikkaku arched brow.  “I might need more details than that, Yumi.”

He shrugged.  “Later.”

Shiro flopped his head onto the table.  “This fucking sucks.  I’m tired.  I just want to be a Zanpakutō again.”

Everyone turned to him and then Rukia sighed.  “You really have to tell everyone?  Ichigo doesn’t even know, Shiro.”

“Like I care who knows what, fuck, I’m gonna die in a few days unless his stupid ass gets a clue.  Maybe if I fuckin advertise to everyone that he has a hollow for his Zanpakutō spirit and he has fuckin’ epic level freaking Quincy powers too, and he’s a goddamned coward and can’t face shit and is hiding out in the goddamned dark and won’t do shit about the fact we’re slowly dying…”

He stopped suddenly.  “Oh, I think I pissed him off.”

Shiro sat up and gave the group a sideways grin.  “So, what else can I tell everyone that you don’t want them to know?” he said softly, eyes narrowing.  “Oh yeah, he’s in there, I’ve got his attention.”

Shiro pursed his lips for a second.  “Get your ass up here and let me back into our inner world and I’ll keep my mouth shut.  Otherwise…”

There was a long pause.  Everyone was watching with rapt attention.  “Fine.  So, yeah, Orihime totally annoys the shit out of him.  He thinks girl parts are ‘icky’ and wants nothing to do with them.  He finds breasts to be bothersome.  Shut up, Ichigo, I told you what I was going to do.  He’s got the hots for several guys he knows, including sixty-nine, old hat’n’clogs, and the caped Quincy.  Let’s see, I’m a hollow, but I’m really Zangetsu, and Zangetsu is really his Quincy powers, and he’s got this cool thing that he can use to stop bleeding, which is how he survived Kenpachi impaling him, the old man let him have some of his power, and yeah, he doesn’t have half his power yet, and if he did, he couldn’t handle it yet.  He cares more about others than himself, and he’ll do anything to save them, but he can’t save his own goddamned self because he’s a fucking coward son of a whore.”

Shiro winced.  “Yes, I said that, goddammit.  His mother was gonna marry Quincy boy’s daddy, but couldn’t because Isshin got in the way.  The whole soul bonding to save her life from _me_ kinda sealed the deal.  His daddy is Isshin Shiba, and his mommy was Misaki Kurosaki, the last of a line of powerful Quincies, that’s why she was supposed to marry an Ishida.  I was made outta a buncha Shinigami souls and…I was supposed…to make…more like…and Aizen fucker…made…me…”

Shiro’s eyes were flickering between brown and black and gold.  He smiled.  “Told you I was…gonna do this…unless…”

Ichigo’s body went ridged and he slumped backward, falling out of the chair hard.  Everyone stared for a moment but he didn’t move.  Rukia kneeled beside him and turned him over.  She pulled open an eyelid but there was nothing but white to be seen.  She looked up at the others.  “We should take him to the fourth.”

Hisagi nodded and kneeled and scooped him up easily.  He was certainly lighter than he should be, he thought to himself as they headed to the fourth with him.  He didn’t move one bit the entire trip but when Hisagi put him down on the bed he nearly dropped him.

“Rukia!” he gasped.

She turned and looked.  His skin was turning darker and the color was slowly leeching back into his hair.  She smiled at Hisagi.  “Stay with him, I’ll go get Urahara.”

She was gone in a moment and Hisagi sat down beside him, brushing his hair out of his face and trailing a finger across his now tanned cheek.  He swallowed thickly and made up his mind.  Fine, if a kiss was what did it for Ikkaku, then it might do it for him.  He looked around and grabbed the curtain, shutting out the rest of the world as he pulled his seat up to beside Ichigo’s head.

“Look,” he said with a sigh.  “I don’t know if you can hear me.  I know you’re probably mortified at knowing what Shiro told us all.  I would be too.  But, it doesn’t matter, you know.  I mean, you’re different, but that’s a good thing.  I…I miss our walks and time by the koi pond, you know, as strange as that sounds.  I know you didn’t speak, but you were more there for me than anyone has been since Tōsen-taichou defected.  They talk about me behind my back, wondering if I was aware of what he was planning, betting that I knew all along.  No one really trusts me.  But you trusted me to be near you at a time that you had no reason to do so.  I would like to think that means something,” he said, running a hand over his dark hair.

“And you know, things like sex and love are kinda fluid around here.  I mean, who cares when you live if we do.  And my guess is, since you’re all sorts of mixed up, you might just be around a while too.  I just…I think there might be something drawing me to you.  I found you fascinating, of course, we all did.  You just came in here and blasted through the place.  You had such single-minded determination, you know, to rescue your friend.  Not many people here or in the world of the living would do such a thing.  You’re the exception to a lot of rules, and well, I have to know if you are the exception to my rules.”

He nodded, a little bolstered by his own self talk and leaned over and pressed his lips against the now pink ones.  They were softer than any woman he’d ever kissed, he thought and he opened his eyes to realize that a pair of wide, brown ones were staring at him.  Hisagi smiled and pressed a little more and felt him respond to the touch. He stood up and looked down at him and shook his head.

“Dammit Ichigo, are you the exception to every goddamned rule in the book?” he asked, his own heart beating a rhythm in his ears.


	6. Unexpected Development

Shuuhei sat and stared for a moment, unsure what exactly he was supposed to do now.  He’d just kissed him, and he had felt a spark unlike anything he’d ever felt before pass between them.  He could tell that there was confusion in Ichigo’s eyes.

“So, this isn’t awkward or anything,” he said with a smile.

Ichigo looked at him, closing his eyes for a second then opening them with a scowl.  He appeared to have tried to go into his inner world.  Shuuhei smiled.  “I don’t think Shiro is going to let you run away again.”

Ichigo frowned and shook his head with a sigh.  “So, still don’t want to talk?” Shuuhei asked gently.

Ichigo shrugged his shoulders a bit and winced.  Shuuhei imagined he was sore after what Shiro had put his body through.  “Shiro can drink like a fish, you know.  I don’t know if you saw, but damn, I think he could drink Kyōraku-taichou under the table…”

He looked up and saw that Ichigo was smiling at him.  So perhaps treating him like he was fine was the answer, treating him normal.  “Urahara-san said that you had to deal with him all the time.  He’s a dirty pervert, did you know that?  Man…but that’s okay, a little perversion is okay,” he said with a smile at Ichigo.

Shuuhei could read the questions on his face.  There were so many there.  So, he nodded slowly.  “Hey, I know things are messed up right now.  And that’s okay, you know, things don’t have to be easy, but I just…I want you to know that I’m confused, too okay.  But that’s okay.  I’ll figure it out, and you’ll figure it out, and then…well, we’ll go from there.”

Ichigo’s head, on the other hand was a complete mess.  He couldn’t sort through the thoughts running through his mind fast enough.  He had been warm and comfortable and fine, and then Yumichika forced him to the surface.  He heard his words, and it had affected him to know that maybe, just maybe Yumichika could understand what was going on.  Then he was close to the surface when Shiro started in telling every single embarrassing fact of his life to everyone he gave a damn about.  It hadn’t even been conscious on his part, he just wanted to make him shut up.  And then he was waking here, considering Shūhei’s dark eyes that had become a part of his life so much since he came to Soul Society.

Out of everyone, Shuuhei, who he hadn’t known that well to start with, was the only one who let him simply be and didn’t treat him like fragile glass.  Everyone, Rukia and Renji included, were careful around him, making sure not to say anything to disturb him.  It was annoying, to be honest.

Not Shuuhei, though.  He let him simply be.  He didn’t ask him to speak, he didn’t ask him for anything.  He talked to him like he was another normal person, and didn’t censor himself in the least.  Ichigo respected that in him.  However, the amount of shock to find his lips pressed against him was indeed great and set his heart to beating faster than he thought possible.  What was this odd thing he felt when Shuuhei was near?  It began so simply, he looked forward to Shūhei’s days to see him.  Then, slowly, when he was gone, he missed him and thought of the things he said.  When he saw him, his heart was lighter, and he would smile now and then.

His eyes roved the lieutenant’s face for any sign that he was false, or not telling the complete truth.  There was nothing but open honesty written in his face.  Ichigo nodded to him and smiled, making Shuuhei start.  He reached out to him and Shuuhei took his hand in a very loose grip.

Shūhei’s heart fluttered at the touch.  It was the first time since he’d come back that Ichigo had reached for anyone.  He swallowed a rising amount of fear in his throat.  He knew he was treading on delicate waters now.  He was trusting him, allowing him close enough to touch him like this.  It wasn’t an intimate touch by any means, it was simply grasping his hand gently.  Yet, that single touch seemed to mean the world to him.

Shuuhei heard someone clear their throat behind him.  He looked up and saw Unohana standing there.  She was just quietly watching him as he held onto Ichigo.  She had that look on her face that brokered no arguments.

“I’ll…I’ll just go, Unohana-taichou…” he said with a smile as he stood and put down Ichigo’s hand.

He jumped though when Ichigo’s hand grasped his wrist like a vice.  Shūhei turned to see him starting at the captain of the fourth with a terrified look on his face.  He frowned and turned to him.  “Ichigo, what is it?”  Ichigo’s eyes were wide and he was stock still.

He looked up to see Rukia had come in as well.  “Ah there, Rukia can stay with you, okay?” he said and Ichigo’s grip only tightened even further.  Shuuhei winced and saw that he was staring with that same terrified look at Rukia.  Why in the world....

“Don’t worry, Hisagi-fukutaichou,” came Unohana’s soothing voice, moving forward and placing two fingers on Ichigo’s forehead.  There was a flash and he slumped backward, not entirely unconscious but definitely not anywhere near awake.  “It is expected for him to have panic attacks right now, a change in people around him will trigger them,” Unohana said with a smile.

“What are you doing?” he asked, looking down to see Ichigo’s eyes were half lidded now.

“Oh, he is physically fine, so Kuchiki-taichou and Kuchiki-san will take him back to the manor to rest.  No doubt he will recover much faster there,” Unohana said, and Shuuhei nodded.  Certainly made sense to him. 

“Where’s Kuchiki-taichou?” he asked, heading toward the door.

“He will arrive shortly,” came Rukia’s answer.  He frowned and looked at her.  That was an awfully strange response from her…  He shook his head and headed out the doorway to find Renji and Izuru standing nearby talking.

“Yo!” he called and approached.

“Hey, how’s Ichigo?” Renji asked.  “Rukia’s going out of her mind with worry.”

Shuuhei frowned.  “Well, she was just at the fourth with Unohana-taichou,” he said, glancing behind him.

Renji started to nod, then stopped and frowned.  “Wait, what?  I just left her at the sixth with Kuchiki-taichou.  Like not five minutes ago.”

Shuuhei shrugged.  “I guess she got here already, said they were taking him back to the manor to rest…” he said, starting to worry a little bit, though he tried to dismiss it.  There was a growing thought in the back of his mind.

Renji shook his head.  “No, when I left the sixth, she was telling Kuchiki-taichou that Unohana-taichou wanted him to spend at least the next week in the fourth so she could monitor him.  She said that Shiro had done quite a bit of damage to his body, weakening his reiatsu to the point she wasn’t sure if he could even summon Zangetsu, let alone do anything else.”

Shuuhei blinked.  “What…then who…”  Shuuhei took off back to the fourth with both the other lieutenants right on his heels.  He opened the door and rushed into Ichigo’s room to find him gone.  He ran into the front and found Isane speaking with another fourth member. 

“Where’s Ichigo?” he asked, eyes wide, glancing around for any sign that he was out in the front area somewhere.  He had gripped the tall woman by the front of her kusodo.

She shook her head.  “In his room?”

Shuuhei shook his head again.  “Where’s the taichou?”

Isane looked a little worried.  “Ah, she went to the eleventh earlier this morning, there was an incident…”

Shuuhei let go of her kusodo and stepped back.  “But…but if she’s not here…then who…”

Renji came in and shook his head.  “Kuchiki-taichou knew nothing about it and Rukia hasn’t left the sixth…”

There was a bustle and everyone started moving at once.  Eventually, Byakuya, Unohana and Ukitake had all met up at the fourth with Kurotsuchi.  After a few minutes, the captain of the twelfth came out and looked at them.

“Arrancar,” he said, looking at them.  “The only explanation I have is the perfect hypnosis.  You saw what you were supposed to see.”

“But…but that means…” Shuuhei stammered, looking at the others.

“That means that Aizen has him,” Renji said, turning to Shuuhei with wide eyes.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Waking up was difficult.  It seemed to take forever, like swimming through thick mud or glue or something equally thick and annoying.  He tried to focus.  Shūhei’s eyes, he thought.  If he could just swim through the thick stuff and come awake, he’d be there, he was sure he would.  So, he struggled madly and finally managed to get his eyes open.  He winced because it was bright, terribly bright, and he didn’t remember the lights being so bright in the fourth.  He felt strange. 

“Good morning, sunshine,” he heard in his ear and his eyes went wide.  He knew that voice.  That voice didn’t belong to Shuuhei or anyone else he wanted to hear from, ever.

He turned to find himself staring into a pair of cerulean blue eyes that had haunted every dark point of his life recently.  He tried to move, anything, get away from him, but he couldn’t.  His hands were bound over his head to something and he couldn’t move his legs either.  To his horror, he realized he was almost naked, wearing only some sort of covering over his lower body that was tied around his waist.  He shook his head and tried to scream but his mouth was fixed closed in some sort of metal clamp that wrapped around his mouth. 

“Sorry, forgot to tell you when I was done with ya the first time, we weren’t done yet,” he said smiling at him and reaching out and running a rough hand over his hair.  “And you did exactly what we were hoping you’d do.  Let the hollow take control.  Now, you are going to do that again.  It is up to you how much we must put you through before you give him up to us.  If you go ahead and let him take over now, we won’t hurt you at all,” he said as his fingers traced down his face to his throat where there was some sort of collar.

Ichigo shook his head.  He couldn’t let the hollow out just like that.  He had blocked him from retreating again.  He couldn’t even get to his inner world, let alone let Shiro take control. 

“Oh, you won’t do it?” Grimmjow asked, smirking.

Ichigo shook his head viciously with wide eyes.  Grimmjow nodded.  “You _can’t_ do it.”

Ichigo nodded then, hoping beyond hope they’d understand that it didn’t work that way.  “Good,” Grimmjow said with another grin.  “I was hoping you’d say that,” he said.

Ichigo watched shocked into silence as he climbed up onto the bed and placed his hands on his knees.  He glanced down to realize that his knees had some sort of bar between them attached to straps, and his ankles were both chained to the sides of the bed. 

“See, you’ll get to be our…distraction until you do what we want.  So, please, don’t try and get out of here because you can’t.  If you do, you’ll be punished severely.  Don’t worry, Szayel can heal you if you get hurt too badly.  After he’s done playing with you, I’m sure.  We’ve been such good Espada; Aizen-sama decided we needed a reward.  I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to it,” Grimmjow said with a grin as he moved forward and forced himself onto the bound Shinigami.

Ichigo honestly thought it should probably hurt less the second time.  He was incredibly wrong in that assumption.  When he finished with him Grimmjow just left, leaving him bound and dirty, and Ichigo wanted to scrub every inch of his skin off his body again.  He felt blood trickling down from his wrists already, and the metal of the collar was biting into his chin and collarbone wickedly.

He didn’t have much time before the door opened again and an Arrancar he didn’t know entered the room with a lecherous grin if he’d ever seen one.  He was tall and dark skinned, and he didn’t look any kinder than Grimmjow.  He tried to scream and he yanked against the bindings.

“Aw, pretty thing, you are,” the new Arrancar said coming over and sitting beside him, reaching out and running a hand over his damp hair.  “I see Grimmjow wasn’t so nice to you.  He’s a beastly thing, isn’t he?” he said in a calming voice. 

Ichigo’s head was spinning as he felt the release of the latches on his ankles and the bar on his knees.  Something was wrong, he felt drunk and out of it as he felt his body turn and hands trailed over his back with deceptive softness. 

“There, now, listen to my voice, isn’t that better?” he asked, stroking his back and head. 

There was a clink and the shackles holding his hands released but he just let them fall above his head.  He couldn’t move them, he didn’t know why.  He felt the metal piece on his mouth slip away and nothing emerged but a sigh.  He felt sleepy as his head was wrenched painfully back and his mouth invaded by the dark Arrancar’s tongue.  He didn’t care, though.  He didn’t respond, either, but he was somewhere between awake and asleep and just…couldn’t care.

He barely flinched when he roughly breeched his body; tears were the only indication of the pain he was in.  He couldn’t even move as he let his mind go.  It was kind of nice, almost like he was somewhere else and not in this horrible place that he wasn’t even sure where it was.  He let his mind focus on Shūhei’s face.  Would he come save him?  No, why would he do that.  He wasn’t even fighting anymore.  Who would want someone that just let this happen to them?

“Ah,” he heard breathed into his ear as the Arrancar stiffened against him, and nearly crushed the breath from him as he clutched him against his chest.  How’d he end up sitting up on him like this?  He wasn’t even sure.  “There, now, that’s a good little slut,” he said.  “Please, I’m hoping you don’t let Aizen have his way.  I’d enjoy coming to see you again.”

The world spun and he was on his back staring at his face as his hands were shackled again, as were his legs.  He at least left off the gag and the bar.  His eyes fluttered and the bigger Arrancar was gone and he was staring up at the ceiling again.  Some time passed and he heard a voice he recognized speaking.  Aizen, he thought, turning his head toward the white clad traitor as he spoke to Gin who stood beside him. 

“Seems Zommari’s influence was quite strong, Aizen-sama, been out of it since he left three hours ago…” Gin said, glancing at him.

Aizen nodded, moving closer and kneeling beside his head.  Ichigo tried to focus on him, but his face kept moving.  Aizen pushed open one of his eyelids all the way. 

“Might have Szayel look at him.  I can’t get what I want if he dies like this,” he said, standing up and glancing at Gin.  “The collar has his power sealed completely, correct?”

“Yah,” Gin said with one of his creepy smiles.  “It does.  He’s as weak as a lil’ kitten.  Szayel said he was weak when he got here, something about the hollow taking his reiatsu while it was in control.”

Aizen nodded.  “Continue with the plan. Any word on Soul Society?”

Gin nodded.  “They’ve mobilized already, seems that of all people, Hisagi-san is coming to Heuco Mundo after him.  I would think taking the chance on encountering his taichou would be enough to keep him away.”

“Interesting development.  However, Hisagi was close to Abarai, so it may be cause of that connection that he comes to retrieve him.  Abarai and Kuchiki are no doubt coming,” he said, looking around.

“Hai, of course, and a few others, but we should have Szayel look at him.  Dead doesn’t help us in our plans,” Gin said with a nod of his head.

Aizen left with him and time seemed to do something funny because he closed his eyes and when he opened them he was looking up into a man’s face with gold eyes and bright, cotton candy pink hair.

“There you are,” he commented, grinning madly.  “Was wondering if you were going to come back to me.”

Ichigo groaned as stabbing pain shot through his back.  The man patted his arm.  “Stay still.  Zommari shouldn’t have been in here so early.  Grimmjow’s bad enough,” he muttered, moving to grab a syringe.  “Zommari is twice his size though.  No wonder you’re out of it, just from damned blood loss,” he muttered almost to himself as he stabbed the syringe into his thigh.  He winced and then the pain started to ebb away a little bit.

“This should get you back to somewhat normal,” he said, taking another syringe and injecting him in a vein this time in his arm.  “You’re going to have to stop fighting them, okay?  They could hurt you a lot worse than this if they wanted to with you having no access to your powers.  Let them do what they want, for Kami’s sake.  I’ll help with the pain when I can, but honestly, I’m not sure how much.  If you give them what they want, Aizen-sama will have them stop,” he said, eyes narrowing as he looked at him.

Ichigo shook his head as tears started to well, mostly out of sheer frustration.  “I…can’t…make him…come out…will kill me…if I do…” he said in low and quiet voice.

Szayel frowned and looked at him.  “Why would it kill you?”

“Burn up the body…not a hollow…like him…” he said, eyes fluttering from the pain medication Szayel had given him as he slipped into sleep.  Szayel sat back and thought.  He sighed and took a quick blood sample and headed back to the lab to run some extensive tests on it.  If what he said was true, then the whole plan was for nothing, and what they were doing to him had no reason.


	7. Cruelty's Blade

Szayel nodded to himself.  No two ways about it.  Ichigo was right.  The body of a Shinigami, even one as powerful as he was simply could not withstand the hollow occupying the body in full.  There were two types of reiatsu signatures in his blood, and one was vaguely blue while the other was black and red.  The black and red seemed to overpower the blue every chance it got.  He ran a few experiments and confirmed it.  The hollow’s reiatsu was simply too strong to be contained within a Shinigami or human form without literally burning it out within less than a week’s time.  He nodded to himself and took off to Aizen’s throne room. 

“Aizen-sama?” he queried, quelling the manic laughter that tried to bubble up his throat.  Not now, not now, dammit, he repeated in his mind.  A little longer…  There were often times that he wanted to sink into the madness but right now he couldn’t afford to do that.  He was not ready to give in yet.

“Yes, Szayel, what is it?” Aizen asked, leaning against his fist as he sat looking extremely disinterested.  Beside him Tōsen was standing impassively.  As usual, Wonderweiss was sitting beside his feet on the floor, looking around disinterested at anything that was actually happening around him.  Szayel felt sorry for him.

Szayel bowed his head.  “Yes, I finished my research, and it seems what you want from the Shinigami is quite impossible.”

Aizen arched a brow.  “How so?”

“The hollow, White, he is simply too powerful to exist in full inside the Shinigami’s body.  The drain on his reiatsu came from the hollow having taken over briefly when the human shut down and let him into control completely.  There is no point; you will not be able to gain control of White again.  The form has altered as well; he has become one with Kurosaki’s soul, actually he is nothing more than his Zanpakutō anymore. There are other latent powers in him that I can’t quite identify yet, but I’m not sure how they express or even how to access them.  There is no way to separate them,” he said with a nod of his head.

Aizen nodded.  “A shame, I had hoped to at least get something from him,” he said with a sigh.  “Go by his room and tell Nnoitra to take him down to the gathering room after he’s finished with him.  The fraccion can have him; he’s of no use to me any longer.”

Szayel stared at him, quite amazed at this sudden declaration.  “Aizen-sama, not to question you, but are you sure?  He’s so unique; I could do a lot of research and experimentation…”

“No, I would rather not have Soul Society continue to try and get him back.  Once he’s been killed, I’ll deposit the corpse on their doorstep,” he said with a shrug.  “After the fraccion have had their fill, I doubt there will be much left, of course.”

“Pardon me, Aizen-sama,” Tōsen said from beside him.  “Would it not be more expedient to eliminate him as a threat rather than delay any further?”

Aizen nodded and smiled.  “Yes, but the fraccion deserve some distraction.  After all, how many hollows have the Shinigami killed?  This will give them a chance to avenge their fallen comrades on one of their numbers and increase their loyalty to me.  Now go on, Szayel, Nnoitra won’t take forever.”

Szayel nodded and left, heading toward the room.  As he left, he saw the look cross Tōsen’s face.  Szayel wasn’t sure with him, but he thought it might have been a look of disgust…

Szayel honestly wasn’t sure if he could maintain his sanity long enough for the task, though.  It was a fleeting thing.  He would try, though, because disappointing Aizen meant dire consequences in the long run.  He paused outside the door and listened until the noise seemed to pass from within.  He knocked.

“The fuck,” came Nnoitra’s voice and the door opened.  Nnoitra was half dressed and Szayel swallowed thickly.

“Aizen says to give him to the fraccion at the gathering room.  He can’t get what he wants, so he said to just hand him over to them to do whatever they want until they kill him,” he said, biting down on his lip as the manic laughter tried to giggle up his throat.  He turned on his heels and headed back to his lab leaving Nnoitra watching him go.

Nnoitra turned back to the bound Shinigami and grinned.  “Hey, looks like you get to entertain the masses,” he said.

Ichigo, to his credit, was still somewhat conscious.  Whatever Szayel had given him seemed to have made him almost drunk or high.  It was for the best because Nnoitra had been rather vicious.  He could feel blood dripping down his arms and the back of his legs again.  No doubt, if he was being passed off to someone else, Szayel wouldn’t be healing him again.  Aizen had abandoned him when he realized he couldn’t do what he wanted, no doubt.  Ichigo shook his head as Nnoitra yanked the chains on his wrists from the wall and pulled him roughly off the bed onto the floor.

“No, please,” he said, realizing that he was going to be killed before this was over.  He was useless to Aizen it seemed after all…

Ichigo didn’t have much choice but follow the lanky Arrancar as he drug him down the corridors, completely nude but beyond caring. His head was full of bees and his whole body felt sluggish and thick.  He had a suspicion that Szayel had something to do with that fact.  He’d begged him to not fight, maybe he’d given him something to help with that fact.

The door opened and Nnoitra tossed him into the room before him.  He fell into a heap on the floor, the chains around his wrists clanging loudly in the otherwise quiet room.  He lifted his head to see Arrancar, quite a few, sitting around the room at tables and on sofas. 

“Hey boys, Aizen’s gift for you.  Have all the fun you want with ‘im.  No problem, he’s going to have a death sentence anyway.  Night,” he said and shut the door, leaving Ichigo in the room with at least ten sets of eyes on him.

“Well, look at this.  We get a lovely little whore that only the Espada were getting to fuck,” one with half read and half black hair said as he stood up and came toward Ichigo’s form. 

Another one came forward, this one with blonde hair and a grin.  “Oh, look at that. A Shinigami…”

There was a shifting of several others and Ichigo was unsure how exactly what they planned.  One with a bunch of red tattoos kneeled down in front of him, where he’d come from Ichigo hadn’t really seen.  He stared at him with wide eyes.  “You know what we do to Shinigami bitches like you,” he growled low in his throat.

Ichigo choked out words despite the fear crawling through his guts.  “Not Shinigami, I’m human, please…”

“With that collar on, of course you are,” an Arrancar with a mop of black hair said with a smile.  “It will be a pleasure to take out our frustrations on you, Shinigami…”

Ichigo gasped and turned to try and crawl away but someone had hold of his ankles and he screeched as something impacted his lower back.  Someone had dropped onto him and he craned his neck around to see another blonde Arrancar.  He closed his eyes as pain sparked up his spine and the words around him spun and spun into a blur of nonsense.  After the first he was still fighting to get away from them.  After the second he was starting to go numb.  After the third he gave up, he couldn’t get away from so many of them.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

The rescue team was small and specific.  Urahara led, Yoruichi watched their backs, and Shūhei, Renji, and Izuru moved between them.  Five of them, and they had no idea what they were going up against.  Fortunately for the Shinigami, not everyone in Las Noches was fond of the things that Aizen had been doing.  As they approached the walls of Las Noches, they found themselves confronted with one of the Espada.  Leaning against the wall was a tall man with longish brown hair.  He looked up as the five of them stopped before him.

“Coyote Starrk.  It is a pleasure to meet you.  It seems that your Shinigami is in quite the perilous situation.  I suggest that you retrieve him.  He’s been left with the fraccion…” he said with a shrug and a yawn.

“Why are you telling us this?” Urahara asked with a frown.

“I’m Primera Espada,” he said, removing his glove with the number one tattooed on his hand.  “I grow weary of your Aizen.  He offered freedom and we received enslavement.  I am un hollow, but that doesn’t mean I am completely immune to the suffering of others. Please, do as you must, I will not interfere with you.  I cannot help you, however.  Be wary of the others _,_ ” he said, nodding to them and walking off into the sands.  A few moments later he was joined by what appeared to be a young girl with green hair.

The Espada had left a door open.  Such a simple act from someone who claimed to be unable to help them.  The five Shinigami would not take such an act in vain.  Instead they flashed through the corridors and found themselves facing Tōsen.  Beside him was an Arrancar with blond hair and vivid purple eyes that seemed focused on anything around him except what was in front of him.

“Tōsen,” Hisagi said, holding up Kazeshini at his ex-captain.

“I am surprised you have come, Hisagi,” he said without moving.  “You have come for your friend, Abarai?”

“No, I’ve come for Kurosaki, where is he?” he said, back stiffening and staring at his former mentor and what he thought was his friend.

Tōsen turned his head to the side.  “What has changed, you are different since I’ve left,” he said finally.

“What has changed?  You left, you turned against us all, and I’ve spent every moment since then under suspicion and scrutiny in case I know of your traitorous intentions.  No one believes me except the captains, my authority among my own division is tenuous at best.  I thought you represented a force for justice, what is right, taichou.  I cannot believe you would stand for this, whatever this is,” he said, pointing his weapon at him.

“I don’t sense his reiatsu.  They’ve sealed it no doubt…”  Urahara said, glancing around him.

“Will you stop me?” Hisagi said simply.  “The Primera didn’t.  He let us in.”

Tōsen looked at him for a long time.  “I will not stand against Aizen, but I will also not stand for someone to be tortured in such a manner.  He is in the gathering room with the fraccion.  Be wary, there are at least ten Arrancar in there.  None are overly powerful, but together they may be formidable.”

Tōsen turned and headed away from them and toward Szayel’s lab.  Wonderweiss followed him without much thought it seemed.  He knocked on the door and heard a giggle form inside.  He sighed.  Wonderful he was in one of his insane moods.

“Come, come,” came his voice from inside.

Tōsen entered and stood still for a long moment.  “You said that Wonderweiss was a ‘special case’ not long ago in one of the meetings when we discussed incursion into Soul Society.”

Szayel’s eyes glittered madly and he grinned.  “Ah yes, lovely Wonderweiss…” he said, patting him on the head.  “Specially made, you know, created with the help of the hogyuku…”

Tōsen nodded.  “I know this,” he said.  “Why was he specially made?”

Szayel grinned.  “To absorb the power of Ryūjin Jakka.  He’s Aizen’s fire eater, I guess you could say…very important to his plan.”

Tōsen looked at the Arrancar.  For some reason, he had bonded to him and he wasn’t sure why.  He felt almost fatherly affection toward him.  “What would be the result?”

“Why, what do you think?” Szayel said giggling and opened his hands up.  “Poof!”  He grinned again.  “A big explosion, maybe, who could tell for sure, but some sort of self-destruct would happen.”

Szayel turned back to some experiment he was running.  Tōsen looked at the small Arrancar.  Was this just?  He wasn’t sure and he left the lab more concerned than he had been upon entering.  No, he was even less sure of what was going on.  He passed Gin as he walked out and locked his blind eyes onto him for a long moment.  There was something about him that he was yet to understand, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to do so

The Shinigami headed toward a large concentration of multiple reiatsu signatures at a rapid rate.  They neared a doorway and stopped, sensing that on the other side as what they sought.  Urahara looked at the others and nodded.  He closed his eyes and concentrated.  He opened his eyes and held up all ten fingers.  Two to one didn’t sound good, but with Urahara and Yoruichi, they had a distinct advantage.  They had been lucky, perhaps too lucky, though, not to encounter Espada.  Urahara drew Benehime and was through the door in a moment, his blade cutting through the throat of the Arrancar closest to the door, a large fellow with a rather dumbfounded look on his face. 

Yoruichi was next through the door and landed between two surprised Arrancar, one with red and black hair and the other with red tattoos and black hair.  She grinned at them and before they could react both were laid out before her.  Renji moved and had tackled a blond Arrancar to the ground and engaged him.  Kira had Wabisuke out and had laid out another blonde Arrancar’s blade, as it dropped to the floor with the added weight.  Shūhei, however, had one mission, and that was to find Ichigo.  He didn’t see him, but his stomach turned because there were stained portions on the floor and the couches.  No, he thought to himself.  He wasn’t sure that Ichigo could bare this sort of thing if they’d…

Shūhei counted, and there were two missing.  He only saw eight Arrancar that they’d engaged.  The one Urahara had killed, the two Yoruichi had dropped, the one Kira had beheaded with Wabisuke, and Renji had dropped another one and was engaged with two others with Kira at his back.  Urahara was fighting with one while Yoruichi had almost dropped another one.  Where were the other two?  He saw a doorway and shot toward it and burst it open and nearly screamed.  He’d found them, and Ichigo.

Ichigo didn’t remember when they’d drug him into the smaller room.  It was an adjoining kitchen to the room where the others were, and he guessed these two wanted some privacy or something.  He didn’t care.  His limbs felt like lead and whatever drug the pink haired freak had given him had long ago worn off.  All he could taste was blood and less desirable things.  He was pretty sure he’d already thrown up at least twice on them, but it didn’t seem to bother them at all. 

When the door burst open he was expecting one of the others.  The two that had drug him into the room had him pinned against the counter and decided that two was better than one, and Ichigo was briefly glad he seemed to have forgotten how to feel real pain anymore.  When he heard the baritone voice he recognized vividly whisper, “Reap, Kazeshini,” he nearly fainted from relief. 

They did come…they did… he thought as he felt the two behind him turn toward the intruder.   His legs wouldn’t hold him thought and he slid down and onto the floor with a thump and groaned at the shuddering pains that shot through him.  He was pretty sure his pelvic bone was broken, and at least one hip was out of the socket, he thought.  He had no idea what else.  He knew his forearms were both broken, the left he could see the bone jutting from it at a weird angle.  It didn’t matter though, as he heard the whirling blades behind him and two very gruesome sounding deaths.

He felt hands on him and tried not to pull away, but it couldn’t be helped, he couldn’t be sure it was Shūhei, because maybe he lost.

“Ichigo,” he heard and he felt his body turned over and he was looking up into the dark eyes of someone he was extremely glad to see.  “Kami, we have to get you back…”

He looked over and saw a table in the center of the small room and reached up and yanked the white cloth off of it.  He gently wrapped it around him, and Ichigo wasn’t sure but he thought he might have been the happiest he’d ever been in his entire life in that simple moment.  There was a thump and the door banged open, Shūhei looked back.

“Urahara, we have to get him back to…to Orihime…now…” he said, looking up with wide eyes.  He looked down.  The white cloth was already soaking through with blood.

Urahara winced and nodded.  “Come on, now,” he said as Shūhei lifted the bundle.  To Urahara’s surprise, Ichigo was clinging to consciousness, and was staring at him as Shūhei flashed past him.  He was out the door after him, yelling for the others to move before they were caught by a wandering Espada.

None of it would have been possible without the Primera allowing them entry, and they had no way to thank him.  Instead they were into the sands of Hueco Mundo before half of Las Noches even realized they had been there.  They stopped for Urahara to secure their transport back and Shūhei sat down in the sands with Ichigo clutched to him.  Both Renji and Kira kneeled beside him.

“Holy fuck me sideways,” Renji muttered, glancing down at the cloth Shūhei had wrapped him up in.  It was almost red.  “How the hells is he not dead yet?” he whispered.

“He was supposed to be already,” came a voice near them.  Renji and Kira both jumped to their feet with their swords drawn at the interloper.  “Aizen intended for him to be dead and broken beyond all else by the time the fraccion were done.  His plan to return his corpse to Soul Society seemed to bring him joy since he could not have the hollow within him to bend to his will.”

Before them was an Arrancar with bright gold hair and behind her three other female Arrancar.  None had drawn weapons and all stood still and watched the Shinigami.  A moment later, Urahara and Yoruichi stood beside the two younger Shinigami. 

“Who are you?” Renji demanded, resisting the urge to call his Bankai.

“Tier Harribel, third Espada.  I am the only female among us.  Perhaps for this reason I find myself ashamed to have been associated with those that perpetrated such a vile act upon another.  We,” she said, gesturing to the three females behind her.  “We have protected each other from the males who would use their power against us.  I’ve stood against Barragan before, and I will stand against Aizen.    I will open a garganta to take you to Soul Society.

She stepped forward and flicked open the garganta and looked at them.  “It is unfortunate that our lives would come together as enemies.  Once, I might have seen such as you as friends.”

With that, she turned and left with the other three Arrancar.  Shūhei didn’t care, he was already halfway through to Soul Society before she left.  He glanced at the now unconscious bundle in his arms.  “Please, don’t leave me, okay?  I just started trying to figure out that my rules are pretty damn stupid…” he whispered into his ear and planted a gentle kiss to his forehead.  “I don’t care how bloody you are, and I don’t care how broken…”


	8. Salvation's Kiss

Kisuke Urahara was not a timid man.  In fact, he had a lot of confidence and was very easily one of the most outspoken of the people he knew.  However, at this moment, he wanted to run and hide and send Jinta or Ururu back to talk to Isshin Kurosaki.  This was not a conversation he wanted to have, and he really didn’t want to have it on Isshin’s terms.  He had no choice.  He’d called and told Isshin he needed to speak with him in person and he said he was tied up at the clinic all day and he’d have to come down.  Kisuke wasn’t sure if Isshin’s powers had unsealed themselves yet.  He was about ninety nine percent certain he was about to find out the hard way, however.

He knocked on the door to the office inside the clinic beside the house.  “Enter,” he said.

Isshin looked up, white coat and all, and Kisuke saw the goofy grin that hid someone who had more power than he cared to test now.  He held out hope, that with his daughters nearby, he wouldn’t do anything crazy.

“Kisuke, what is so urgent?” he asked, looking up.  Both his daughters would be in school, as would Kon in Ichigo’s body.

“It…it’s about Ichigo, Isshin-san…um, there’s been an incident,” he said, sitting across from him, looking down at his hands.

Isshin’s grin faded.  “Is he alive?”

Kisuke nodded.  “Yes, yes, he’s physically going to be fine, but…ah…mentally…it is questionable as to what state he will be in…”

Isshin had gone deadly silent.  “Will be in?”

“It…it is a long story but Aizen took things much farther than I ever would have dreamed in his desires to gain control of White,” he said slowly, seeing Isshin arch a brow.  “He ah…well, it seems when he found out who Ichigo was, he recognized Kurosaki somehow, and no doubt was curious if he was indeed the child of the one White infected.  He suspected, but he had to know for sure.  Inoue-san’s kidnapping was a ruse to get Ichigo to Hueco Mundo.  I can’t put it any other way.  While there, one of the Espada…attacked him.”

“Attacked him?” Isshin said quietly.  “Obviously you mean something else by that word, Urahara.”  All the familiarity was gone from his voice.  Now began the dangerous water that Urahara had to tread.

“I didn’t come to you immediately.  I was afraid that it would have been too much for him to bear, to find out that you were a Shinigami, and about his mother, and what the hollow nature inside him really was…  I should have.  It, too, like Inoue’s kidnapping was a ruse to draw White to the surface.  Ichigo retreated, the hollow emerged fully, but he was dying.  When Ichigo regained control…two Espada walked into the Serietei and took him back to Hueco Mundo.  We were all affected by Aizen’s power, and only Ichigo could see them for who they were…” he said quietly.

“Aizen used his Espada to try and get the hollow to reemerge.  It failed because Shiro, that is the name he gave himself, knew that surfacing again would kill them.  Aizen apparently decided he had no value and chose to rid himself of Ichigo by giving him over to the Arrancar while his powers were sealed.  He expected him to die, of course.  Hisagi-fukutaichou, Abarai-fukutaichou, and Kira-fukutaichou went on a rescue mission and we retrieved him before it was too late.  Inoue-san was able to heal the physical wounds completely,” he said, staring at him.

“You keep indicating physical wounds.  Was he tortured?” Isshin said, staring at the hatted man.  “Was he experimented on?”

Urahara nodded.  “In a sense…”

“What aren’t you telling me, Kisuke Urahara?” he asked, eyes narrowing.

“Um, Isshin-san, might I ask if you have all your Shinigami powers returned before we continue…?” he asked, looking up hopefully.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Rukia looked up as she heard the distinct click-clop of geta, knowing it was likely the eccentric shop keeper.  She blinked.  He was sporting an impressive set of black eyes and a red and swollen nose.  Behind him was an unruffled Isshin Kurosaki in his shihakuso and haori. Urahara waved at Rukia and deterred into an alcove, emerging later with the damage to his face healed and then led Isshin back toward where they had Ichigo sedated.

Rukia looked at Renji who was staring wide eyed.  “I think he must have told Isshin…”

Renji nodded.  “I’m…surprised he hadn’t already.”

Both got up and went down the hallway to hear Isshin speaking with Unohana.  They paused until Unohana motioned them forward.  Isshin turned and smiled at them.

“I want to thank you, Renji-san, for your efforts in rescuing my son,” he said.

“I had to, you know, he’s my best friend and all, but Hisagi has taken this hardest,” Renji said, glancing into the room with the unconscious Ichigo. In the corner, nearly unnoticed, Shūhei had fallen asleep in a chair that Unohana had brought in for him after he’d refused to leave the day before.

Isshin glanced at the dark-haired man in the chair.  “Why?”

Urahara glanced at Renji again.  Renji nodded.

“When Ichigo had gone silent, after the first time when Rukia brought him back, Hisagi seemed to connect with him.  I think…I think it had to do with the fact that out of everyone, Ichigo didn’t care that he had been Tōsen’s lieutenant.  He didn’t judge him on that.  They used to walk together through the Kuchiki grounds, Hisagi talking and Ichigo listening, and it just seemed to change him, Hisagi that is.  He’d talk about him when we’d go out, just little things, like he’d tell us about something that happened when he sat with Ichigo.  We all noticed it, and then, Shiro took over for a while…and he was so different, loud, crass and vulgar.  None of us knew what to do with him.  He told us…things…and it got Hisagi thinking,” Renji said with a shrug, glancing into the room again.

“Things?” Isshin asked.  Urahara, of course, hadn’t detailed everything for him.

“Yumichika was helping too, because…well, you know about Yumichika and Ikkaku, I guess?  Well, you know, Ikkaku is pretty much straight except he’s in love with Yumichika, and Hisagi thought the same thing.  Yumichika helped roust Ichigo from his inner world finally by telling him about his story and finding Ikkaku…” Renji said, almost rushing.

Isshin held up his hands and shook his head.  “Renji, what things?”

Rukia sighed.  “He told us that Ichigo was gay.  But he hadn’t come to terms with that, and then when G-g…”  Rukia couldn’t even say the name.

Renji put an arm around her.  “Shh, don’t.”

Isshin nodded.  “I suspected as much,” he said with an encouraging smile.

“Really?” Renji said, eyes wide.  “I mean, I never thought that he, and we…I had no idea.”

Isshin smiled.  “A father knows things like this.  Does he know about me?”

Urahara nodded.  “I’m not sure how much he’ll remember because Shiro pretty much outed him on all those things to irritate him into returning to the surface.”

Isshin nodded.  “Can you wake him?” he asked, looking to Unohana. 

“I can try.  He had a panic attack last time, thinking he was still in Las Noches,” she said, smiling at him gently.

Together she went in with Isshin while the others stayed back.  Hisagi didn’t move but he was completely asleep by the look.  Unohana leaned over him and cast a kido to wake him.  His eyes rolled and she stepped back.  Like the last time he woke suddenly, eyes wide and obviously terrified.  Isshin squeezed his hand and spoke.

“Ichigo, it’s me, you’re safe,” he said gently.

Ichigo rolled his head to the side and gasped, reaching up and grabbing Isshin in a tight hug.  Isshin was pulled down onto him.  He wrapped both arms around him and pulled him up a little into his arms.  He could already feel the wetness soaking into his clothing.

“Hush, it will be fine, my son, it will, I’m here, we’re all here,” he said softly, holding him in a way he hadn’t in a very long time.  “You’re so strong, Ichi, so very strong, and you’re brave, and you have come through so much, and your mother, she would be so proud of you right now, son, and so am I.  I’m so sorry, though, so sorry I couldn’t keep you safer than I did…” he said softly, stroking a hand across his head and back. 

After a time, he looked up at Isshin with wide eyes still wet and red.  “Pop,” he said quietly.  “Pop…I…I can’t…”

“You can, son, I know you can,” Isshin said, reaching up and wiping away a tear sliding down his face.

“But look at me,” he said, sighing into his arms, clutching him desperately.  “I can’t even wake up without…without…feeling them…all of them…and it is all I can see when I close my eyes, pop.  Make it go away…” he pleaded.

Isshin swallowed thickly, holding his own tears at bay.  “I wish I could, son, I wish I could…but I can’t make it go away.  But I will be here with you…  I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier.  Urahara didn’t tell me out of some insane fear I’d run off to Hueco Mundo to kill Aizen with my bare hands.  He was probably correct in that decision.  I’m not going anywhere now, though.  I promise.  I’m staying here with you.”

Ichigo nodded, tears spent it seemed, and simply held onto his father.  He turned and looked over where Shūhei still slept in the chair.  Ichigo, despite his own turmoil smiled at bit. 

“You and Shūhei Hisagi, huh?” Isshin said with a grin.

Ichigo’s face fell and he shook his head.  “Pop, he saw.  He saw what…what they did…no.  He…he won’t stay here with me.”

Isshin pulled his face up by tucking a finger under his chin gently and lifting it.  “What does that mean?”

Ichigo swallowed.  “They, what they did…no one wants that, and no one wants someone that’s been through that.  Why would they?  I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything normal now, I’m a wreck, no one would want someone like me in their life,” he said with such desperation in his voice Isshin thought his heart would break.

“I do,” came a voice behind him, and Ichigo’s head snapped around and he saw Shūhei, no longer asleep, and standing behind him.  “Ichigo, I don’t care.  I told you, you’re the exception to every damn rule.  I was willing to fight my old taichou for you, Ichi.  I made a choice already, and it doesn’t matter what happened and it really doesn’t matter what we must get through.  I want to help you like you helped me.”

Ichigo blinked, his hands tightening on Isshin’s where they still held him against him.  “I helped you?” he said softly.

Shūhei nodded.  “Yeah, a lot.  Just being you, you helped me and you weren’t even really you.  You didn’t speak, and you did more for me than anyone in the last hundred years of my life here as done.  The only person to impact my life like that was Kensei-taichou,” he said, gesturing to the tattoo, the same one the former captain had worn.

Ichigo nodded.  “Kensei punches like a freight train,” he said softly, making Hisagi blink.  Ichigo nodded.  “Oh, yeah, he trained me in the World of the living with Shinji and the Visored.”

Shūhei smiled.  “See there, you have lots to offer me.”

“But,” Ichigo began, frowning deeply.  “How…why would you?  I didn’t do anything…”

“That’s not the point, baka.  You were there.  You listened.  And you didn’t look on me with scorn and suspicion.  That was more than I ever expected from anyone,” he said, reaching a hand out gently to see if he would take it.  “I picked you up broken and bloody twice, Ichigo.  And if I had to do it again, I would.  But I’d prefer to stop picking you up in that condition.  I much prefer what I’m looking at now.”

Isshin smiled at Hisagi over Ichigo’s head.  The Shinigami was wise behind his years, and he knew that he could trust him with his fragile boy.  “Shūhei, I would ask that you use care in dealing with my son.”

Shūhei nodded at the older Shinigami.  Ichigo let go of Isshin with one careful hand and placed it into the one Shūhei had offered him.  For a long time, they stayed like that, father and son embracing, and Shūhei supporting whatever Ichigo wanted of him.  It seemed that a simple touch was enough now.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

There was a commotion near the first division.  It wasn’t certain what had caused it, but Renji and Rukia were standing outside the fourth allowing Isshin and Ichigo to have time together when it happened.  People were running wild toward the first.  Renji reached out and grabbed a passing Shinigami.

“The hells is going on?” Renji asked, snagging a passing Shinigami.

He looked at him with wide eyes.  “Arrancar.  They showed up with Tōsen!”

Renji dropped the younger Shinigami’s arm from shock and he was off.  The alarms were going off, so it wasn’t an invasion.  Both took off toward the first to find out what was happening.  They were met with chaos and then someone pulled them into the building.  They looked up to see that it was Byakuya who ushered them into a side room.

“Wait here,” he said.  “There’s a captain’s meeting called about the situation.”

Renji and Rukia sat down to wait.  They were still worried about Ichigo but he was with his dad now, so he would no doubt be fine.  After a long time, Byakuya came back with Ukitake.  Renji and Rukia both stood as they entered.

Ukitake put up his hands.  “Tōsen has returned with three Arrancar.  He has offered to give up intelligence on Las Noches and Hueco Mundo in exchange for protection of the Arrancar and if he is kept from the Maggot’s Nest.  The Head Captain is deciding what to do now.”

Renji and Rukia exchanged a nervous glance.  “Which Arrancar?”

“One named Wonderweiss, which Tōsen says was created to neutralize Yama-jii.  The other two are a shorter one with green eyes named Ulquiorra, and a third one with bright pink hair named Szayelaporro,” he said with a nod.  The first is not an Espada, but the others are the fourth and eighth Espada.  He also claims that the first and third Espada are working with Gin to overthrow Aizen from within, and are requesting a coordinated effort to do so,” Ukitake said with a nod.  “Szayelaporro has requested to see to Ichigo, he is their research scientist apparently, but also healed him when necessary.  He’s also insane about three quarters of the time, however he is lucid currently, so he says it is imperative that he meet with Ichigo and Unohana-taichou before he slips into madness again.”

Renji and Rukia nodded.  “We are to escort him to the fourth, would you like to accompany us?” Byakuya said solemnly.

Both nodded.  Ukitake led them out of the room and toward the area where the four prisoners were being held.  Tōsen was sitting in a cell with a small blond haired boyish Arrancar who was chasing specks of dust and giggling randomly.  The other two shared the next cell.

“We’ve come to take you to the fourth,” Byakuya said.  “If you do anything, you will die.”

Szayel nodded.  “Yes, yes, but its creeping into my mind so please, we must hurry.  I have to…” he paused and blinked, giggling for a second.  “Okay, sorry.  I have to deactivate it…”

“Deactivate what?” Renji asked as the pink haired Arrancar was positioned in the middle of the four of them.

“The poison, of course,” he said, waving a hand as if it should be obvious.  “He’s been injected with a protein that once outside of Hueco Mundo for more than a day releases a toxin that will kill him in hours if not deactivated.  I can deactivate it before that happens.  Aizen didn’t want him leaving Las Noches alive.”

The others hurried their steps and made it to the fourth where Ichigo was still sitting with his father and Shūhei, though he had calmed somewhat.  However, that was a thing that changed the minute he looked up and saw Szayel.  He gasped and lurched backward away from his father and Shūhei toward the furthest corner of the room and stared at the pink haired Arrancar.

“No, please, it isn’t a dream, please…” he said desperately.

Szayel moved forward toward him and kneeled.  “Ichigo, you remember me, you remember I healed you, I need to fix something that I had to do, or you’ll die.  You aren’t in Heuco Mundo, I’ve come to Soul Society.  Please, you aren’t there…”

Ichigo’s mind was trying to grasp reality.  He wondered if being rescued was a dream and he had been dying there, and it was instead Szayel that healed him and now he was waking up for real.  He shook his head, pressing both hands to his temples.  He didn’t want to be back there.  It was so cruel to let him think he was free and to take it away from him.  Why would they let an Arrancar walk into the fourth?  How did he get here?  That just didn’t make sense.

“Ichigo!” he heard a voice pierce through the noise in his head.  “Come on, I’m real, okay?”

He looked up into Shūhei’s dark eyes and gasped.  He looked real. “I…I don’t know what’s real!”

Shūhei was kneeling in front of him, the Arrancar having stepped back to speak to Unohana about how to deactivate the toxin before it activated.  “I’m real, look,” he said, holding out his hands to the frightened Shinigami substitute.

Ichigo reached out with his hands and took Shūhei’s in his own.  He squeezed them tightly and then yanked the other Shinigami into him into a tight embrace.  He had to be sure he was real.  He had to make sure he wasn’t an illusion. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” he whimpered into his neck as Shūhei put his arms around his back.  “I didn’t want it to be a dream, I couldn’t have it be a dream, I’d die, you saved me again, and again, and I can’t…I can’t…”

Shūhei hushed him and held him all the tighter.  He was pretty sure he was going to have bruises on his back considering how tightly Ichigo was clutching him.  He didn’t care.  The whole world had disappeared in a haze of heat and ice, and there were only two real things in that room.  He gently leaned back, and reached up to tip up Ichigo’s face and stared into wide eyes.  Shūhei smiled and shook his head.

“I’m very much real, and not going anywhere,” he said quietly and placed a gentle kiss on Ichigo’s lips. 

Ichigo stared at him a long moment then jumped as Unohana injected something into his arm.  “Wait, what’s that?”

She smiled and patted him.  “You’ll rest now,” she said, and Ichigo felt consciousness slipping as he slumped into Shūhei’s arms.  Shūhei didn’t let him fall.  He never would let him fall again.


	9. Healing's Grace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edits will be coming so don't be surprised to see new stuff in old chapters.

“It’s okay, you know,” whispered something inside his head.  He knew the voice too well and he understood that it wasn’t a threat to him.  It never truly was.  His eyes fluttered and he found himself staring at a white copy of himself.

“You’re a bastard,” Ichigo commented, but there was no heat in his voice as he lay against the side of the building and stared at his mirror.

“I know.  I’m a hollow, what do you expect?” he commented, and the world tipped and spun and Ichigo found himself seated in the white clad creature’s lap.  Shiro’s head rested on Ichigo’s shoulder and he sighed.

Shiro nuzzled into his neck softly.  “I guess I should tell you that you are the only thing I care about, the only thing I love,” he said, planting a gentle kiss against Ichigo’s neck.  A shiver shot through the orangette’s spine at the strange, cold touch.  “But the one thing I long for, I’ll never have.  Cruel fate, right?” he said, clutching at Ichigo’s body tighter.  “A hollow that longs to be loved.  Ever heard the like?” he asked.

Ichigo’s heart did a flip.  “I guess, in a way, I love you too, I mean, in some strange way, we’re the same but so much different.  So, what does that mean anyway?”

Shiro sighed.  “It means that you and I share a type of unrequited love that can never be satisfied, King.  I’ll be here, and I’ll make sure you stay alive and safe.  And if anyone fucks with you, I’ll charge right to the surface and fuck them up six ways from Sunday.  And you, well, you’ll live your life, and not fucking put yourself in the position that we lose each other.”

Ichigo nodded, grasping the black nailed white hands in his.  “Is it wrong?”

Shiro shook his head.  “No.  No one else can understand what happens in here between us.  But I wouldn’t mind you getting laid now and then, fucking boring in here,” he muttered into Ichigo’s ear before he faded away and Ichigo’s eyes fluttered open.  Still in the fourth lay there for a long time quietly, wondering exactly what he was supposed to do now. 

“Hey, you,” he heard a voice nearby say.  He turned his eyes toward the side to see Shūhei sitting in the chair.  “You didn’t wake up screaming,” he said softly. 

It had been a week, and a very hard week at that.  Ichigo’s nights were filled with terrifying flashbacks and memories, and nightmares as well.  He had to have a kido used to help him sleep at first.  Then, he would wake at different times during the night.  Shūhei and Isshin had ended up taking shifts during the night, mostly because they were the only two that could do anything with him without him shying away from them.

“Shiro was talking to me,” he said quietly, sitting up.  Thankfully, the soreness and aches had faded.  He was in the fourth still because of the intensity of the flashbacks he’d been having.  “He wanted to tell me it was okay.”

“He’s not so bad,” Shūhei said with a smile.  “I kind of liked him.”

Ichigo nodded.   “Yeah, I’m not sure what he’s like, a big brother or a father or a lover, but he’s rather protective.”

Shūhei nodded and looked at him for permission to take his hand.  Ichigo swallowed and let him.  Shūhei’s hand was warm and soft and it felt nice.  “How are you feeling today?”

Ichigo nodded.  “Better, I think.  I…I want to leave the fourth but I don’t know where to go.  I…I can’t go back to the World of the Living, not yet, I just…I can’t handle it.”

“You could stay at Kuchiki manor, I’m sure Kuchiki-taichou and Rukia would be happy to let you stay there,” Shūhei said with a smile.

Ichigo shook his head.  “It reminds me of things…” he said, looking away.

“You could stay with me,” Shūhei offered with a smile.

Ichigo looked at him.  “I could?”

Shūhei rolled his eyes.  “Yeah, of course.  I’ve got a sofa and you can have my bed.”

“Okay,” he said.  “Can we walk around today?  I need to get out of here.”

“Then come on, you want to find your shihakuso or you just want to grab a yukata from the cabinet?” he Shūhei asked, standing.

“Just a yukata, I can’t even think of being a Shinigami again right now…” he said with a subtle shiver as he pulled the pale yellow yukata over his shoulders.

“You’ve thinned,” Shūhei said, feeling the bones in his shoulders keenly.  He reached up and ran a hand over his head, where his hair had grown significantly, down to his shoulders and into his eyes.  “And your hair got long.  You haven’t wanted anyone to touch it.”

Ichigo nodded and stood up, tying the sash and slipping on the tabi that sat near the end of the bed and finding a pair of geta had been left in the closet of the room.  He smiled, slipping into those and thinking of Kisuke.  He ran a hand through his own hair realizing that Shūhei was right.  His hair had grown out if Yuzu’s almost.  It was just as well, if it fell in his face right now, he could avoid people’s faces.  But he needed to get out.

Shūhei waited at the door after telling the fourth healers that Ichigo wanted to leave and to have his shihakuso and Zangetsu sent to his quarters.  Ichigo grabbed his hand tentatively as he came closer.  Shūhei turned and nodded tightening his grip on him.  He knew this was hard for Ichigo but it was so terribly important as well.

They headed out into the Seireitei to find it was a fine day, warm and bright.  As they walked, people talked around them, some commenting on Ichigo being out of the fourth.  Others, who didn’t know Ichigo very well, wondered who it was Shūhei was walking with.  Ichigo remained close to him, not letting more than a few inches separate them, gaining strength and comfort from the nearness.  They were circling back toward Shūhei’s quarters when a couple of seated officers walked by them and grabbed Ichigo’s arm, stopping them both.

Ichigo tensed, his hand spastically clutching at Shūhei’s as the dark haired fukutaichou turned with a frown.

“Since when did the traitor’s fukutaichou find a girlfriend?” one of the, a tall, muscular man with steel grey eyes quipped while he clutched Ichigo’s bicep in a grasp that on a normal soul or human would have been tight.  The other stood behind him, a shorter man with blonde hair and his arms crossed over his chest and smirked at them.

“Seems traitors have more fun, huh, fuku-taichou?” the second asked.

Shūhei had dealt with this so many times, some of those that didn’t believe he didn’t know what Tōsen had planned.  However, it was pushing things when they were dragging Ichigo into the issue.  He didn’t catch the slight straightening of Ichigo’s spine at the other man’s words, or the flash of gold in his eyes.  The grip on his hand was steel-like, so he stepped beside Ichigo and yanked the taller Shinigami’s hand off Ichigo’s arm.

“Stop bothering us, I’m sure you have better things to do.  Or should I report you to your taichou again?” Shūhei said softly.

“Like it matters.  You walk around like some big shot, and now you want to walk around parading a pretty piece of meat in front of the lions?” he said with a roll of his eyes and reached out to grab Ichigo’s chin to pull his face up.  “And you don’t expect us to pounce?”

As soon as Ichigo’s brown eyes locked onto the steel gray of the man that was about five or six inches taller than he was and twice as wide, Shūhei dropped his other hand.  He’d felt the tingle of power shoot through his body at that moment.  That was new, he thought to himself.  Ichigo didn’t even have Zangetsu.

The taller one stared at him, his hand clutched under Ichigo’s chin and eyes flickering across his face.  The blonde snickered.  “Ha, you can’t even find a girl, you go and get yourself a pretty boy instead!  What is he, some little whore from the Rukongai?  Not like you, of all people, would ever find someone to fuck that wasn’t paid.” 

Ichigo’s eyes shifted to the blonde’s yellowish eyes and a very inhuman growl rose to his lips.  Shūhei was glad he stepped back because less than five seconds later, both the seated officers from the fifth were flat of their backs on the ground, the tall one with Ichigo’s black clawed hand at his throat, and the other in a similar situation beside him while Ichigo knelt between them.

“I will tear your throats out if you ever say a word to Shūhei again,” he said, mask forming over his face and his voice distorting.  “I don’t need my Zanpakutō to destroy you both.”

Shūhei was having a hard time not laughing because a crowd had started to gather around the commotion.  Then there was a screech and a pink haired creature came sailing through the air and landed on Ichigo’s back yelling in happiness.

“Ichi-chan!  Ken-chan and I felt your reiatsu rise for the first time in _forever!_   Are you fighting?  Want to fight Ken-chan again?  Do you?  After you beat these two up, can you?  Go Ichi-chan, beat them up good!” she giggled, smiling broadly as she stared down into the shocked faces of the two fifth officers who were no longer being held down with Ichigo’s clawed hands but unable to move.

“Yachiru!” Ichigo squawked and held on to her as he stood up.  He reached up and then set her on the ground between the two men he’d downed.  He reached up and dismissed the mask and wobbled on his feet a bit.

“Ichigo!” Shūhei commented, reaching up and catching Ichigo as he tottered.  “You aren’t ready to exert yourself so much yet, for soul’s sake,” he said. 

Ichigo leaned back into him and looked up to see Kenpachi had come up by then.  He grimaced but held back the full body shudder that threatened to overtake him.  Kenpachi, not someone that would hurt him, it was Kenpachi.  He just wanted to beat the shit out of him.  That Ichigo could handle.

“Sorry, Shu, I just…I couldn’t stand for them to say those things to you,” he said with a sigh, passing out flat into him.

Shūhei gasped and stumbled at the increase in weight.  “Dammit,” he muttered, repositioning him and picking him up easily.  He saw Yachiru was standing there hopping up and down and clapping.

“Yay, Ichi-chan is getting better!  Yay, Ichi-chan can fight again!” she sang as she began to run circles around the two Shinigami who were sitting up and staring at the scene now.  “Yay, Ichi-chan kicked your butt and he’s not better yet.  Yay, Ichi-chan!”

“When’s he gonna be up for another fight with me?” Kenpachi asked Shūhei.

Shūhei shook his head.  “I’m not sure, he couldn’t handle using the mask yet.  And he hasn’t even touched Zangetsu since Hueco Mundo.”

“What the hell is he?” the tall one said, standing up and staring at Shūhei.  “Why the hell does he have a hollow mask?”

Yachiru ran in front of him and looked up.  The man stepped back away from the tiny tyrant of a fukutaichou.  “That’s Ichi-chan.  He’s the Shinigami substitute, and he’s Ken-chan’s friend!”  She glanced over at Shūhei.  “And now he’s Shuu-chan’s boyfriend too!  So, you better just be careful!” she said with a nod of her pink head.

Shūhei opened his mouth to argue but he knew better than to argue with Yachiru.  That didn’t go over too well.  What Yachiru said usually went.  Kenpachi turned and frowned at Shūhei. 

“Really?  You and Ichigo?” he said.  “How’d his father take that news,” he said thoughtfully.

“Better than you might expect, Zaraki-taichou,” came a voice behind them and Isshin came walking up with Rukia and Renji.

“Kurosaki-sama!” Shūhei said with a bow though with his arms full he couldn’t do much of it. 

He came over and tipped Ichigo’s head up a bit.  “What happened here?” he asked.

Yachiru came up and tugged on Isshin’s captain’s haori.  He looked own.  “Isshi-chan!” she said with a grin.  “Ichi-chan got in a fight with them because they were mean to him and Shuu-chan but it wore him out so he’s taking a nap.  He’s not up to fighting with Ken-chan yet,” she said with a pout.

Isshin ruffled her pink hair.  “I’d think not, Yachiru.  He’s got to get his full reiatsu back yet, but I felt it rise, and was hoping he wasn’t in trouble.”

“Who are you?” the blonde one had stood up, wiping blood from his nose and stared at the unknown captain.  These particular Shinigami hadn’t known him during his time in Soul Society.

Isshin smiled.  “I was the taichou of the tenth until I went to live in the World of the Living.  Ichigo is my son.  I am Isshin Shiba.”

The two Shinigami had gone several shades paler.  Everyone ignored them and Isshin turned to Shūhei.  “Unohana-taichou said he wanted to stay with you.  His Zanpakutō and shihakuso has been sent to your quarters.  I’ll return to the world of the living and bring some of his other things so he might have them.  Do you need anything else of me?  I must return before the girls really start to worry.”

Shūhei shook his head.  “Uh, no, Kurosaki…er Shiba…er…”

“Isshin is fine, Shūhei,” he said with a wry smile.

Shūhei nodded.  “Isshin-san,” he said kindly.

Isshin turned to leave, waving.  “Or, you know, pop works too…” he said as he left, leaving Shūhei with a slightly red face.

-oooooo-OOOOOO-oooooo-

Several hours later, Shūhei was in his small kitchen when Ichigo emerged sleepily from the small bedroom rubbing his eyes.  He smiled and looked up.

“There you are, sleepy head.  You’ve been asleep all afternoon.  You really overtaxed yourself,” he said, pouring some noodles out onto two plates as Ichigo sat down on the barstool.

“Sorry,” he said with a smile.  “I got a little…out of control.”

Shūhei handed him over the chopsticks and took the other seat.  “No, you left them with an encounter to remember.  Between my ‘girlfriend’ knocking them on their asses, and Yachiru-fukutaichou and Zaraki-taichou treating you like a long-lost relative, I doubt they’ll ever say another word to either of us.  I’ll remember not to call you a girl,” he said softly with a smile at Ichigo.

Ichigo blew the steam off his noodles.  “That?  No, that didn’t bother me, really,” he said with a shrug.

Shūhei blinked.  “What?  So, why’d you go all masked man on them?”

Ichigo looked up at Shūhei and shrugged.  “They said you would have to pay for someone to love you, and that you were a traitor.  I wasn’t going to let them get away with that.”

He went back to his noodles leaving Shūhei somewhat breathless.  That whole thing wasn’t just a reaction to being touched?  Or being upset they’d thought he was a girl?  It was because they’d said things about Shūhei?  He swallowed nervously and then finished his own food.  He was about to get up when Ichigo turned and grabbed him by the wrist.  Shūhei turned back to him and saw that he was trembling.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, gasping and putting his hands on his shoulders.  “Are you okay?”

Ichigo nodded.  “You…you think…I’m with you?”

Shūhei smirked.  “Considering Yachiru is going around telling everyone that you’re my boyfriend, we have no choice now,” he said. “You know you can’t argue with her.”

Ichigo smiled shyly, looking down at the floor, a light dusting of pink rising to his cheeks.  Shūhei reached up and put a hand against his cheek.  “You’re blushing.”

Ichigo tried to look away.  “I just…never thought anyone would want me after…after…” his words caught and this time Shūhei didn’t hesitate, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Ichigo’s.

Ichigo’s breath caught and he opened his mouth unconsciously, letting Shūhei take the opportunity to slide his tongue into the space and against Ichigo’s tongue.  Shūhei found his hands twirling into Ichigo’s hair, stroking and petting the soft orange strands as they slid through is fingers.  Oh, three worlds, he had wondered about how soft his hair would be.  The kiss became more fevered and Ichigo’s hands gripped onto Shūhei’s hips, bringing his body closer and closer to him as he tried to touch every part of him at once.  After an eternity of lips, teeth, tongue and breath, they pulled apart, foreheads resting on each other and panted into each other’s faces.

“Ichi-love, please tell me you want this as much as I do,” Shūhei said, moving to nuzzle his nose into Ichigo’s neck.

“Shuu, yes, I do, show me what it is to have someone love me,” he practically moaned into the touches.

Shūhei smiled and pulled back, looking into Ichigo’s blown eyes.  “Shh, let’s not rush, Ichi, okay?  I don’t want to hurt you.  Let’s just…let’s go to bed and maybe, if you want, we can touch a little in the night…”

Ichigo nodded, knowing he wasn’t ready yet for something so drastic.  But being held and kissing and touching…he desperately wanted that, desperately needed that… that, desperately needed that…


	10. Epilogue: Love's Embrace

_Two Years Later_

 

Panting for breath, neither of them seemed to be able to catch it.

“You’re sure?” Shūhei whispered in the darkness of their house as he pinned Ichigo to the wall just inside the door.

Both were a mess. They’d just had their bonding ceremony, and everyone had come to watch it. For one short moment, threats and the world around them didn’t matter, and all that seemed to make a difference was the two of them making their lives together, for however long they wanted. The ceremony had been extra taxing on both of them since there had been a wedding in the World of the Living followed by the bonding ceremony in Soul Society. Neither of them wanted to leave their friends and families out of things.

It had taken some getting used to for many of the people in Ichigo’s life. At first, his human friends were suspicious of the sudden appearance of the dark haired, tattooed, delinquent looking man that Ichigo pronounced his engagement to. Keigo had refused to like him, and Mizuiro had simply told Ichigo he needed to ditch him since he looked like a wannabe Yakuza enforcer. Ichigo had laughed them off and promised that Shūhei was nothing like that. Of course, his friends that knew Shūhei encouraged others to get along with him. Shūhei had been amazed at all the things the World of the Living had to offer and had been happy to be there with Ichigo.

Shūhei had to frequently go back and forth between the two places, and Ichigo would often go with him. The extended absences were always questioned but Isshin played things off as just them gallivanting around for Shūhei’s job. This made his human friends think Shūhei was a Yakuza even more than before.

As for Soul Society, Ichigo slowly integrated himself into their world, and soon didn’t know what things would be life without his strange double life of living between the two worlds.

Now, as Shūhei pinned him to the wall and kissed his neck, he knew why he wanted to complete their union.

In two years, the two had yet to go “all the way”. Mostly, it was Shūhei’s insistence that they wait until Ichigo was ready, but Ichigo tried, desperately, to push the issue. So, they came to a compromise. They would wait until after the wedding was done, then see how things went. Well, Ichigo was done waiting. They had played around, but nothing more than some frotting here and there, and he was about done hiding in the bathroom fingering himself when he was wanting Shūhei to do something more. No, today was the end of Ichigo’s patience with his overly patient and worried partner. Two years was long enough.

“I’m fucking sure, Shu. Two years. Two fucking years you’ve put me off, now. Today is my wedding day and you are damn well going to fuck me,” he gasped as he felt Shūhei glide his hands down his back to rest on the swell of his ass.

“Fine, but if you regret it, I’ll never forgive myself,” Shūhei breathed into his neck as he nibbled the chords of muscle on his shoulders.

“Just get on with it,” Ichigo growled, reaching down and pulling Shūhei’s hips toward his crotch and his hardness.

Shūhei smiled against him and lifted him up with ease.

“You asked for it,” he breathed and before Ichigo knew it they were in the bedroom and half stripped of their formal robes. He arched as Shūhei took his time, tracing fingers over every inch of exposed flesh as he undressed him.

“Come on…” Ichigo grumbled as he was suddenly flipped to his belly with an oof.

Shūhei’s fingers slipped down and pressed against him and he whimpered in anticipation. He just wanted him to hurry. After everything that had happened two years ago, he just wanted to feel good with him. He knew that it wouldn’t be like the abuse he suffered, and he knew that in the future there would be not good days when he wouldn’t be able to do this, but today he could. Today his head was where it needed to be and it felt like he was…

“Oi! What are you doing that’s dirty, don’t put your tongue…there…” he couldn’t hold out though as Shūhei’s wicked tongue slid around his entrance and then probed it gently. Dirty or not, that felt like the most fantastic thing in the world.

He felt him lean up and then the cool slip of the gel on his fingers as he slid one into him. “Are you okay with it?” he asked, and Ichigo resisted the urge to scream. He knew it would be this way, but he was ready, dammit.

“Fine, more,” he panted instead, fisting the sheets and curling his toes as Shūhei slid a second finger into him and crooked them just right to strike his prostate. He let out an inhuman sounding sound and buried his face in the sheets. It was so much better than just jerking each other off, and he had known it would be.

Shūhei slipped a third finger into him and he winced into the sheets at the tugging sensation and slight burn. It wasn’t bad, though. He liked it quite a bit, and he had a feeling that eventually, he would want Shūhei to be rougher with him, but for now…this was fine. He suddenly was flipped to his back and looking up into Shūhei’s searching eyes.

“Ah, what are you doing?” he asked, tears already in his eyes.

“You’re crying, should I stop?” he asked.

“N-no!” Ichigo gasped, shaking his head. “Just intense, keep going, please!”

“Alright, but if you’re in pain, tell me, okay?” Shūhei told him and Ichigo just reached up and caressed his face, smiling.

“I know, I know, just go, I want you to fuck me into this bed tonight, and I want to feel it in the morning,” he whispered and licked his lips.

He saw the reaction instantly. Shūhei’s eyes blew out the rest of the way in lust and Ichigo felt him line himself up against him. A second later and Ichigo screamed as he slipped all the way into him with ease. Shūhei paused, buried to the hilt in him and panted, clinging to restraint.

“You…came from that?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Ichigo was slightly embarrassed but he smirked at him. “Felt good, and waited two years, so get on with it, I’m already getting hard again…”

They found out soon that both had stamina to spare, and by morning, neither could peel their eyes open when the sun rose. Ichigo woke for a while, arms and legs entangled in Shūhei’s, and he smiled. No, every day wouldn’t be easy, but from now on they’d be together as long as they wanted. And Shūhei had the patience to go through all the bumps and jumps along the way with him. Ichigo leaned over, kissing the tattooed 69 on Shūhei’s face, and realized that this was what love was. And it was okay as long as they had each other.


End file.
